Hello everybody. This, is Nicholas Brendon. And I am speaking, like the man, on the phone, who was just speaking to me: “Hit the pound sign.”

I hit the pound sign!

Hello everybody, so how’s everybody’s week going? Awesome. Mine’s great, thanks for asking. Just letting you guys all know that I’m still alive, I’m still writing. I’ve got a bunch of stuff, and maybe we’ll have, like a reading thing or something, where you guys will come, and we’ll just all read poetry and things together. Trying to think if I have one here right now, but I’m just gonna … I don’t think I do. Let’s see here … I just don’t even have any books around. I have to … yeah, no. I’m walking out. There’s Steve, my dog. Hopping over him. Hopping back over Steve, the dog. Back to my couch with my computer. Watching House Hunters International, which is my guilty pleasure. Oh, I love it so much. Makes me want to put a penis in my mouth.

Which is not a bad thing. Some of my best friends put penises in their mouths. I am not one to put a penis in my mouth. Um … Even if I could suck my own, I wouldn’t have it in my mouth.

Let’s see. I don’t even know what I wrote last time. Let’s see, uh … All right. Here’s one.

I wake,
I wonder,
I wander
I walk to the corner store, past the fence
A fence with a hole

I buy breakfast,
crack open breakfast
So good,
so fucking good

I walk home,
past the fence with the hole
I crack open seconds.
I love goddamn breakfast

Cracking
Sizzle
Pop
Gulp

The hole in the fence looks at me like it’s a cyclops
A one-eyed monster
It laughs at me

I have more breakfast
It taunts me
that hole

More breakfast
I stop and I stare
Try to look inside the hole,
through it

It just mocks me,
puts me in my place
A fucking hole
In a fucking fence
A black, fucking hole
To somewhere bleak

I drink more breakfast
Unzip my pants
And put my dick in the hole
My hole
That oughtta shut it up

I drink
My dick gets sucked
I drink more
Cum, rinse, wash, repeat.

Oh, it’s time for lunch.

That’s my poem. That’s in my book here. So, that’s my poem. I don’t have a title, but that’s my poem. And, if anybody’s transcribing it, it ends Time for lunch, will be the end, after he gets his dick sucked.

So, I’m coming to Chicago, like, tick tock, tick tock. And we have four tickets to sell. Because I wanna have it be at 40, because I wanna meet 40 people while I’m there. Maybe write 40 poems. Which I might be able to do. I would need a little time. I’m not promising 40 poems. I’m saying I could maybe do it. I don’t know, it depends on what my day’s like, what my brain’s like. And I’m just super stoked to see you guys. So, we need just four more tickets sold. So if a friend already has one, tell another friend to get one, then you won’t be there alone. Around me. ‘Cause I am frightening. I am scary. I. Have the devil inside of me.

But don’t worry, we moved in last month, and it’s great. Me and the devil have a great relationship now. Things were a little hot for the first couple of weeks. A little hot in the kitchen. But now things have settled in just fine. And I have never once sucked his dick.

Umm, OK. So: We’ll be in Chicago, we’re gonna have a Chicago pizza party. There might be some dancing. Ummm … who are my favorite writers, as poets here.

One: I’m sorry, but Jacqui has given me the three little pointers:

1. There are four tickets left for the Chicago pizza party with you. OK …

2. There was a discussion about poets whose work came to mind after listening to your poems. Who are some of your favorite writers?

Uh, Charles Bukowski is, to me, is just the end all, be all. But there are so many of them that I just don’t know. You know, I wish, I wish I knew more. And I probably need to do some homework on that.

Um, and then [enter your poem here]. You know that I adore you, but if you could try to aim for something less than … Apparently my last blog was around 4,000 words. [Editor's note: 3,915]

OK, so that’s poem stuff. Umm, I’m trying to think of what I’m reading right now. I saw Inception, I don’t know if we can talk about that. I”m going to see a movie called Salt. I’m about to put in a samurai movie right now, in my house. I’m here with Steve. And, I’m kind of excited about that.

And, my sobriety’s going very well. I’m coming up on five months. I’m very, very, very, very happy about that. And … the trouble I’ve caused, kids. The trouble I’ve caused, over a can of beer, and a big, bag of cocaine … no, I didn’t do the cocaine. I mean, I have in the past, but, whatever. You know what I’m talking about. I’m really, really happy. So that’s phenomenal.

I hope that you guys have dug this particular audioblog. And, after you’ve dug it, I thoroughly hope that you guys plan on filling that hole that you dug. And again: I wanna see ya’ll, I wanna meet ya’ll, I wanna rub ya’ll, I wanna suck ya’ll. You know what I’m saying?

Damn, that’s straight from the San Fernando Valley, where I grew up. Man, that shit is real.

All right, this is Nicky Brendon, saying out. And I will blog, I would say probably within the next five days, with more poems and, just, life’s mishaps and adventures. OK, I love you all, and be well. OK, darlins. Bye.

I’m back.

Michelle Stehrenberger: Did I enjoy making Psycho Beach Party?
Yes, I was at Point Dume two days ago, where we shot that movie, with the rocks and stuff. And I had a nice – I was there alone for about an hour and a half, and then some friends came. And I had a really lovely kind of bonding session. It was hilarious, so I really, really, really enjoyed making that movie.

It was on Logo…
Everything I’ve done is on Logo now. So fucking funny. It was on Logo … how about, I don’t know. How about Mango. I’ve got nothing on Mango, the man channel. By the way, I’ve come up with my male stripping name: It’s gonna be Cinna-Man. Cinna-Man is gonna be my male stripper name.

It was on Logo again the other day and I laughed my ass off, she says, but it was a, with two of those little asterisks. You can say ass if you want to. I won’t be offended.

Was it fun to make?
Yes.

Do you still keep in touch with people who you did the movie with?
You know, I still talk to Thomas Gibson, ‘cause he’s in my show, the Criminal Minds show.

Finally, if Jacqui fell in the middle of the woods and no one was there to hear it, would her awesomeness alone cause sound??
Well, not if there’s anyone there to hear it. Or not hear it. Y’know, this goes into, y’know, if the Pope shits in the woods, does he really have to wipe his ass?

Patricia D Black: First, Jacqui Is Awesome. Now, to my question,
Jacqui, I’m seeing a theme here, by the way. I wanna see the questions that you didn’t deem worthy. [Jacqui’s note: OK, look. I’m the one who does all the transcribing. This way, we all get something out of the experience. And you can check out the rest of the questions on our Facebook page.]

OK, first, Jacqui is awesome.
Yes, I agree.

Now, to my question: I know that you had to work hard to overcome your stuttering. I am also someone who had to deal with both a stutter and a lisp. I was wondering how you were able to overcome it? My therapy was actually recording myself reading and singing.
I did a lot of tongue twisters, too, and I slowed everything down. I made sure I overly enunciated my words. I was a very fast talker, which can work in acting sometimes, in certain parts. But I just asked God, I’m like, “I just want to start over.” You know, I wanted a clean slate.

Apparently I’ve heard that you can never stutter and sing, which is amazing. Self-reading is great, too. But, tongue twisters, because your tongue – at least, my tongue – wanted to move in ways that wouldn’t have allowed me to say the words. So I just did a lot, I took an acting class, and did tongue twisters probably five hours a day. And it would still kind of hold on sometimes, and it still happens sometimes. When I’m scared, y’know, or when I’m talking to a girl, or something, it’ll just happen. But that’s what I did, and godspeed, and I hope that that helps. But you can go to Barnes & Noble. Go to the kids’ section and get a book of tongue twisters.

Michael D. Henry: Sorry, I’m dry. I’ve been five days in the sun, and this is what happens to my voice. Michael D. — it’s funny, if you can hear me. I’m watching a special on cocaine on National Geographic right now. And it’s funny, I just heard, “And the cocaine that they produce.” Anyway, it’s on the TV in the background.

Michael D. Where am I at? OK, hold on. Michael, there we go:

Michael D. Henry: Nick – Can I come over to your house and watch you sleep? That’s not weird, is it?
Yes, Michael, you can. Actually, it would be great, because apparently, I snore, and I would need … If you can videotape me, sleeping? Because I’ve had a couple, um, female friends spend the night. And they said that they would never do it again, because the snoring is so horrible. So, Michael, you would be doing me a big favor, dude. Yeah, so get in contact with me.

Nikki Todhunter: What did you think of Xander’s outfits in Buffy? He had some sweet ones. Tropical shirts, porn-star shirts? I’d like to think Nick had something to do with those.
Yeah, no, I loved them. I took a lot of them home. But our wardrobe people did an amazing job. If you looked at season one, and then go to season three or four, it was, I mean, I was wearing rings and shit in season one. And I loved it. I loved it, it was just a kick-ass show.

Trish Rowley: What part of playing Xander was your favorite? I loved Xander’s personality. Kind, thoughtful, loyal, funny! I don’t know you personally, but you yourself seem like an awesome nice person!
That’s really sweet. I think I’m a nice person, and I’m trying to get nicer every day. What part of playing Xander was my favorite? I liked, you know, I liked the Zeppo part of him. I liked, the kind of how things never worked out. I loved him, I wanted to hug him at all times.

Jillian Robinson: Dame of Awesomeness Jacqui, does Nick actually write poetry?
Yes, I do write poetry. Um, lemme see if I have a book here. Let’s see what I wrote. I think I wrote one today, and I’ll just see if I have it here. Going over here, just take this book with me, wherever I go. And, let’s see what we’ve got. OK, open up the book here. Um. Let’s see here. Music. Uhhhhh … OK, Kelly’s … uh. Let’s see, where’s … [mumble mumble, Jacqui wonders “Am I really supposed to transcribe all of this?” Sounds of Nick flipping pages…] OK, all right, uh huh, … There’s so many fucking books. OK, all right, um, Telling tall tales [more mumbling, seriously, people, I’m only human -- jacqui] Sorry, guys. Sorry, sorry. I had the wrong book here.

Um, that’s a short story. Let’s just read what it says. This is called, I have no idea what this is:

I wake up in pain
Knees, hips, head
Emotional pain
What should I wear?

Who should I be?

An ant crawls on my skin
I know him by name now
He serves me afternoon tea

I wiggle my fingers and toes
Get loose
Who should I be?

A maudlin mama that no one pays any mind to
Talking about her powers
And then the people are only then half listening

She had a doozy today
Pool party but no towels
Uh oh

Should I be the latent pedophile cousin who is always invited to functions but never comes, but we all know that he does, indeed, come?

Should I dress up as a man that has been missing for the past fifteen years?
That one should be easy, seeing that no one has actually seen me in fifteen years.

Or maybe I’ll just go as me, the maudlin mama.
He likes boys and has disappeared for a lifetime.

I have all of the costumes
All the materials to pull off all of these people.
No one will be the wiser

As for me, it’s fun.
It’ll infiltrate function, situation
Where your presence would be so desired
And yet you cannot give them the satisfaction of them having you here.

A part I will play. A part they will accept.
Since I have done nothing else.

I arrive at a barbeque with my face bloody, slashed, maudlin
I, in my disguised voice ask to hold the new baby
She is given to me at once
No hesitation

The only pause was the floor placement of the ottoman, which was quickly tended to.

It now sits in the corner of the room
The ottoman
Instead of in the middle of that room

It sits next to the flowers in the corner
Along with a chest
A mahogany chest with pictures of my family

I stand on it
I stand on it like an attentive soldier

I know that soon I will have a problem with the ottoman being placed there

I have big plans for that corner
Big, big plans

I’m bleeding on the baby
She is not crying
In fact, she seems to like it
She seems to like him

Now where is that fucking ottoman?

That was one that I wrote, I think a couple weeks ago. Um, so yes, I do write. Is it good? I don’t know. I think it’s great. And here’s another one, and then I’ll let you go:

Walking
Single file to the unknown
Step by monotonous step
Fear of not holding the line
We march one by one
To a valley without sun
Only gray
With a shade of a lazy haze
A grain of sand
A marching band
No word spoken
No song sung
A vacuum of hope
Little ants
Taught to walk, carry and pull
Bodies in motion
No end, no beginning
Just middle
Stuck in the middle of here
There
Nowhere
Stuck
In a timeless maze
A hazy maze
One by one we will walk in the middle
Where there is no light
Or darkness
One by one we walk
One by one we stalk
Prey
One by one we behave
One by one
One by one
One by none

OK. That’s my poem. And I’m losing my voice. So you guys kind of got two of my little maudlin stories. These are not that maudlin.

OK [Insert verbally going through the list of questions.]

Oh, this is the last one:

infernaljay94: If you could have any other name, other than your own name, what would it be?
My name would be Baron von Brendon. Baron. Von Brendon. B-a-r-o-n, v-o-n, B-r-e-n-d-o-n. Or Sweet Nicky B. All right guys, listen: This was awesome. Let’s do this again. Give me some more fucking questions, and I’ll answer. My voice won’t be as hoarse from going to a Dodger game, and I will be happy as a clam. If clams are truly happy.

All right, guys. Love ya. Miss ya. Bye.

Hello everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon calling on the telephone. Calling on the wireless telephone … that’s attached to my ear so that I can hear you clearly.

Hello? I can’t hear anybody. Hey! I can’t hear. Hello?

Attached to my ear so that I may hear you clearly.

You guys, I’m not hearing a thing. I can’t hear them. And I’m saying exactly, “Attached to my ear so that I may hear them clearly.” No, there’s nothing. I can’t hear them.

All right. Well, I guess since I can’t hear you, I’ll do the talking. Got a bunch of questions here, and I’m going to answer every single one. The ones that – I guess Jacqui went through them, and if ones were mean or inappropriate, I guess she weeded those out. She weedened them out. OK, but I’m got, let’s see here .. [Editor’s note: He counts the questions. Forgive me. This is 16 minutes long. – jacqui] I’d say about 14 questions. So, here, we go:

Question No. 1: Nick: Is it true that they called you Nick the Dick in high school, and does your penis have veins all over?
I don’t know how this one got through. Jacqui, that’s weird. … No, that wasn’t the first one.

First question, from Neil Hopkins Harris: Question: Everyone thinks Jacqui is totally awesome, do you agree? [Editor’s note: OK, look, I didn’t really think he’d answer everything. jacqui]
Yes, I do agree. Because after I’m done with this, she is going to transcribe it all. But she is totally and uniquely awesome for more reasons than just her transcribing ability.

OK, alternatively, ask him if he has any desire to play a super villain, or an extremely dark character, anything as such that is complete opposite to our sweet-natured Xander?
Yeah, I would love to, now. You know, I think, you know, Xander was awesome. Seven years of being sweet, and watching, and that was the power of, the power of looking and seeing, I think that I got some dark inside of me that I would love to get out. I would love to get it out legally, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I would love to get into a fight, and have a camera rolling, and then after the fight was done, not have to go to jail for a year. That’s what I would love.

So, I would love to play a dark character. And I’m sure I will one day. And hopefully I do it justice and you guys still love me.

Thank you, Neil Hopkins Harris. I wish I knew where you guys were from.

Elizabeth Ann. She says: Pretend I don’t live in L.A. What’s the best (in your opinion) place to go for food? And what touristy (or even not known about) places should I visit? California native to California native: Is there anything better than California cheese from Happy Cows?
Now, we’re assuming that all cows are happy, and, I am not a cow doctor. So, I can’t even begin to tell you if the cheese that I eat comes from a happy cow. Or maybe … the cows could all just be terrified. Scared shitless, knowing that something’s up, man. Something’s rotten in Denmark. And the cheese that we’re eating? Is cheese that’s filled with fear. Maybe you wouldn’t like the taste of cheese from a happy cow. Think about it.

But I do love cheese.

Uh, what’s the best place to go for food in Los Angeles? Let me think here. … You know, there’s a place in Malibu called the Saddle Peak Lodge. The Saddle Peak Lodge has been around since I think about 1870, and it’s nestled in the hills, in the bottom of these valleys in Malibu – I mean, like, deep in the Malibu mountains. And they’ve survived, like, a solid 30 fires through the years. The structure’s still up. It’s this old hunter’s lodge that men would go to in the 1800s and hunt, the game and stuff there. They’ve turned it into a restaurant, and … it feels like you’re going back in time. They’ve done such an amazing job restoring everything. And you just feel like you’re in this hunting lodge.

And the food they have there – now, you have to eat meat. You know, I wouldn’t have a vegan go there. But they serve kind of exotic meats, you know. Like, bear. When bear is in season, they’ll serve bear. A lot of buffalo. … I would say, if you’re in town … like, I try and go there, like, once every three years, because of the experience. They’ve got a lovely wine list and wine selection, but, y’know, guys, when I used to drink, I never drank and ate. You know, it wasn’t like, “Oh, I’ll pair this wine with my buffalo.” You know, like, if I was drinking, I wasn’t eating. But, the Saddle Peak Lodge, I love.

And the coolest place to go: There’s a place, and it’s kind of childish, but it’s really kind of sweet at the same time. There is this public beach house called the Annenberg Beach House, or public pool house. It’s $10 to get in. It used to be Marion Davies, the actress, her old mansion in Malibu, that William Randolph Hearst built for her because Marion Davies was Hearst’s concubine – his mistress. And they built this, I think 30,000 square-foot house.

The ’94 quake kind of demolished the house, but the Annenberg gave the city of Santa Monica $27 million to kind of rehab that land there, it’s like 2 acres. And the original pool is intact, and that’s the pool that you use. It’s marble, and tile, and it’s just really great. Again, you’re kind of going back in time. And it’s right on the beach. So, you kind of go in, you get your little lounge chair at the pool, and then you can walk to the beach and swim in the ocean for an hour, and then come back to your chair and read, and swim in this glorious pool. It’s just my favorite thing to do in Los Angeles. It gives me chills just talking about it.

So those would be my two favorite things in Los Angeles. And that came from Elizabeth Ann, who apparently lives in Los Angeles.

OK, Jamie Aitchison: Did working on any particular episode (or the series in general) ever give you nightmares? (Jacqui. Awesome.)
Um, no. No, I never got nightmares from anything. Not from episodes that I’ve done. Not from scary monsters. I’ve gotten them from people that I’ve worked with along the way, and they’ve tried to kill me or something, but I haven’t, nothing from a particular episode.

Emily Miller: TEIM EDWARD OR TEEM JACOB OMG!!!!1!! I LUV U!
I love you, too, Emily. I think I would be on Team Go Suck a Dick. ‘Cause I loooove sucking dicks.

I don’t know what team I would be on, because every time I hear Team Edward or Team Jacob, I just think that they’re about to break out and dance and just start rubbing each other’s backs with oil — not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuality — but it just sounds a little gay to me. But I would be on Team Sucks a Dick. Which I think is the Indian character in that. … Maybe that’s the next movie. I think Captain Sucks a Dick, is the father of somebody.

I would probably have to go with Team Jacob, just because I feel sorry for him. It almost looks like he has Down’s syndrome. But don’t tell him that. And if I’m pissing anybody off? Well, then why are you here? This is what I do.

OK, Emily. More questions here: Uh oh. Computer. Do you have any hidden talents or special skills?
I’m a writer of poetry. I’m a writer of short stories. I’m a decorator. I’ve painted. I take pictures. I’m a fairly good photographer. And I want to continue to build these things. I want to learn how to play a musical instrument, and I would love to learn how to speak a foreign language. And I think I’m really good at, like, listening to people. You know? And being nice. And the hidden talents of patience. For people.

In 10 years of doing conventions and being a sci-fi/fantasy idol, any of that geekiness rubbed off on you? Any 12-sided dice hiding in your closet? Oftentimes, my household’s sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this?
All right. Any geekiness rubbed off onto me? Um, are you asking if I’ve had sex with anybody? “Any geekiness rubbed off onto me?” Yeah. I guess you’re asking if I’ve had sex with anybody.

Um, I wear Underoos under all of my clothes. I was at the Dodger game today, and there was somebody there dressed as Harry Potter. I was with a friend, and she said, “Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter,” and I’m like, “Where?” and I missed him, and then I come back, and it’s like, “Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter.” I thought he was going to be like, 7 or 8. The dude was probably pushing 36. And he was in the full Harry Potter regalia, y’know. And all I wanted to do was give him a hug. That’s all I wanted to do. I’m like, “Dude. Come here. Get over here. When’s the Quidditch match? I really want to support you.” You don’t go to a Dodger game dressed up as Harry Potter when you’re 36. But I did want to give him a hug.

OK, and then: Oftentimes, my household’s sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this?
Last time I checked? Household sponges are not a precious metal or a precious stone. So I would throw them away. And buy more household sponges. That’s what I would do to prevent this. And if you wouldn’t mind sending one my way? I just want to do some tests on it. Because I think I can probably cure cancer with what you have stored up in your household sponges.

Carlie [Editor’s note: He misread the name. – jacqui] Limbert: What is your personal definition of success?
You know, that’s a really good question [Carlie]. Now, my personal definition of success involves integrity, you know. It involves being happy with what you’re doing. Not forcing anything.

I thought that it was always what project am I working on, and kind of measuring myself up to other actors. And that never made me happy. And I’ve now really kind of come to understand that, really kind of being of service with other people, you know, helping people. And I’m a writer, and if I’m not writing every day, then I feel a little less than. So, y’know, my definition of success is to have a couple kids. And have a couple houses – and a woman, if she chooses to be with me. And live a fulfilling life. While giving away what I have, in terms of my time. Sometimes money. And emotion, you know. That’s what I see as happy. Going to bed and knowing that you’ve done good in the day. Going to bed, having done more selfless things than selfish things.

I think that, for me, is awesome. And I’m still working on it. But, yeah. Good question. And, hopefully, a fairly decent answer.

DeeDee Norman Henry: Chunky or Creamy? Inquiring minds wanna know! And what is Jacqui’s secret to being so awesome? Oh!! I got another one! Do you baby-sit?
OK. Chunky or creamy? Chunky. Unless, of course, it’s sperm. Inquiring minds wanna know. Again, chunky, unless it’s sperm. And if it is chunky sperm, I just need to ask my fellow, you know, why is it chunky? And if I get a fine answer, then I’ll start chewing. ‘Cause I don’t wanna judge people.

What is Jacqui’s secret to being so awesome? She takes three pills a day. They’re awesome pills. One in the morning, one just after lunch, and one right after the one she took after lunch. I know you thought I was going to say nighttime, but no. She doesn’t take two at lunch: She takes one after lunch, and then one just after lunch. So, it’s kind of like, I’m not sure. There was a whole math equation that goes around her three popping of awesome pills. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know what it’s about. But it’s true.

Oh and also, do I baby-sit? Yes, I do baby-sit. Wait, and then there’s a wink after that. So is the baby winking at me, or is DeeDee asking if I baby-sit and then is she winking at me? Because if the baby’s winking at me, I probably shouldn’t baby-sit. But if DeeDee’s winking at me, then I’ll baby-sit.

Parts 2 and 3 coming later today. Because it’s late here. — jacqui

Transcript coming soon … but until then, here’s a link to the Chicago meet-and-greet details.

Hello, people. This is sweet Nicky B., calling you from sunny Venice, California, in my backyard, where I am rocking in a rocking chair right now, looking at my beautiful, lush garden. Which is a euphemism for my beautiful, lush garden.

Hey, I’m calling for a couple reasons: I’m having a meet and greet in Los Angeles on June 18, at 1, at 1 p.m. And there are only four tickets left, so I wanted to let people know that, and the location is going to be, I guess, given to the people later. … And I think it’s $75. There’s a lot of that you get, like I clean your house, I trim your eyebrows. And I also do Brazilian waxing.

And then, I did an episode of a show called, Robot, Ninja & Gay Guy, which is a little webisode thing. And I think that comes out today. So why don’t ya’ll just check that out. I haven’t seen it yet, but I do enjoy the mustache that I was wearing.

So yeah, I think that’s it for right now. I will call later with things that Nicky is doing. We’ll have a little segment called “Things Nicky Is Doing. Or Has Done. Or Is Going to Do.” That’d be, you know, the past tense, the future tense, and then the … no, no. Past, present, future. So, yes. Things I’ve done. Things I’m doing now. And things I will do in the future.

OK, well, that’s great. Hope ya’ll are well, and I’ll call back in a couple days and we’ll do the little segment called “Things Nicky Is Doing.”

Take care. Bye.

Helloooo, everybody. What’s up, my bitches?

This is Nicky B. calling, long overdue. But I’m really trying to work on this. Y’know, I promise, and I promise, and I promise – maybe this is why my relationships don’t work out.

Anyway, I’m sitting here in Venice, California, with Steve to my left. The computer on my lap. Got some roses in a vase that I got at the farmer’s market on Friday – can’t tell you how much I love red roses. And I’m just calling to check in and say, “Hello!” I don’t think I’ve done this for a while.

Oh, shoot. You know what I’m reading right now? The Complete Sherlock Holmes Works, by that Conan Doyle guy. Think he’s onto something. Somebody should knight him. ‘Cause I’m gonna call him sir. “Hello, sir. Good book, sir. Wow, sir, I enjoy those characters.”

So, what do I have going on right now? First of all, with the recent shenanigans: Everything’s going well on that end. So, anybody who had any questions or anything about that, everything is going remarkably well. So, yay me! And yay you!

I got done doing that play in March, and I had a great meet and greet at Mel’s, which the lovely Jacqui helped to organize. And I think we’re going to be doing more, ‘cause it was just a lot of, a lot of fun. It’s just so nice. I mean, and who doesn’t love Mel’s Diner? If you guys don’t know what it is, it’s a hamburger joint.

And then, in terms of other stuff: I’ve got this show that I’m creating, called Very Bad Koalas, with Steve Loter. And, so we’re just kind of – that should hopefully be out – we’re hoping to get that out, it’s going to be kind of like an online comic for the first 52. We’re going to do, like, one a week, and I think it is a rip-roaring good time.

And I’m going to be in Toronto and Paris. Think Paris, I’m going to be in … in August? The end of August. And then Toronto, I think October.

What’s going on with you guys? Woah, woah, woah, not all at once. OK, hold on, you in the back. Oh. Really? You’re hardly even showing. You’re glowing – your skin’s glowing. That’s great. All right. You, you, over to the left. Mmmm-hmmm. No, your other left; my right. Yep, you. Mmm.. I’m more of a Coke guy – Coca-Cola. Yeah, it’s not really a Pepsi generation in my household. Yeah, thanks for the question. Yeah, you in the front row. Mmmm-hmmm. Yeah, I’ve never, um, never played cricket. But I’ve killed a few in my day! I’m joking; I haven’t killed anything.

Speaking of killing things – I love documentaries. And, some would call me a documentary whore. I don’t fuck them – I just like to watch them. OK, one I made love to, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. But I got one called Long Knives Night, and maybe some of you out there have seen that. It’s Russian. I had to stop watching it in the beginning of this documentary. They literally take a live dog – it looked like a Labrador of some sort – they crucify him and then they burn him alive, these Satan worshippers. And I was sooo pissed. Steve was watching it with me, and so I took this back to the video store that I go to. And I let them know that there is this horrible scene – and they didn’t even know. And they’re now putting a warning label on that DVD.

Hello, everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon, calling on your telephones, and your computers. Or whatever other reading devices you may currently use.

I’m calling for a couple reasons:
Just A., To say hi, because it’s been a little while; and
B. Well … this might go to Z, so … and B., I guess we have five tickets left for the meet and greet next Saturday, in six days. And, I think you can, oh gosh, get information on NickBrendon.com. Something like that. And it’s gonna be at a location by my play! Which I finish next week.

And then, all in all, I’m just calling to check in and just see how the hell you guys are doing. I just got back from the dog park, with Steve, my German Shepherd. And God, he’s such a good boy.

What else is going, on, really? The play has been lovely. The reviews have been amazing. And we have another week … and then it’s done. And then it’s done! I’ve got some things in the old pipeline that I’m waiting to hear on. But, let’s talk about movies.

Oh, I’m getting a phone call. Hold on. I have no idea who that is, so I’m not gonna answer it. I don’t trust it.

OK, so: Movies. Oh, I saw Shutter Island. And, yeah, yeah. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but … [Highlight to read spoilers] Leo was actually the patient. Oh no! Uh oh. I didn’t mean to say that. Yeah, he’s not really an agent, he’s not really a Marshal agent. Oh, no! No. He used to be, but then he went crazy because his wife killed his three kids. Oh my gosh, stop! *gasp* Oh, I am horrible. Gosh, darn it.

Um, I like apples.

And you know what else I like? Coconut water. But just the plain coconut water. I have just discovered that, and I’ll tell you what: It’s changing my life.

What else is changing my life? Health care. No, I’m joking, we can’t talk about health care: Or can we? No … OK. Listen: Everyone should have insurance. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. And there’s nothing that you can say that would make me not say that. I’m gonna say it again: Everyone should have insurance. I mean, I remember when I was at law school, and my grandmother had cancer, and you know, she was denied insurance because she had a pre-existing condition.

Oh, wait, no, no: That’s Obama. I was never in law school. I’m having a hard time realizing who I am right now.

What else is going on? Let’s see, it’s pilot season, so there are a lot of auditions. And, I might be doing an animated series. I am creating one with a guy who does that, and it’s gonna be pretty, pretty awesome. So, we’re gonna have more information on that. And I’ll find out about the animated series as early as Tuesday or Wednesday, and once I find out: bada bing, bada boom. You guys will know. You guys might know before I know.

And then, I’m just waiting to hear from Criminal Minds, because it’s been a while since I’ve done an episode. So I’m hoping that they, they call me, because I love doing that show.

And, I love mangoes, too. Mangoes. I’m a really big fan of … oh, and I love, I love oatmeal. And granola with yogurt. Topped with some blueberries. I think I’m hungry right now. Oh, Lord. Oh, my.

So, I will call later and give you a rambling message. This is more of the: We have five tickets left for next Saturday’s meet and greet. So I’m, y’know, I’m just hoping that those five tickets are taken up by people who want to hang out and have dinner with this guy, right here. And whatever else we’re gonna do.

OK, my name is Nicholas Brendon, and I’m going to hang up on myself right now. And then I’m gonna call later and leave, like, an incoherent, rambling message. I hope everybody is well, across the world … and … um, uh, and, uh, um, I’m trying to think here. Yeah. Coke is it. Coke is it. Coca-Cola is it. This is not a Pepsi generation. Coke is it.

Hello, everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon calling you, for a couple reasons.

So, A: I haven’t called for a while.

Couple: I really haven’t called for a while. I’m trying to think if I’ve called since England. I think I may have called once.

I did the one-man show, so that took a lot of my time, and a lot of my spunk. Took a lot of my spunk with me, as well. All of my sperm went into this gay, one-man show. And then I started doing another play, so that’s where I’m at now.

I am calling you, though, because I’m doing a play right now, as I just said – trying to load it up – and I’m actually doing a meet and greet. A fan meet and greet, which my beautiful webmaster, Jacqui, is organizing for us – but I’m trying to get to the details right now. But my computer is being very slow. Oh, you’re being so bad, computer. Really? What happened? Technology. Remember rotary phones? Remember, “Hollywood, 424,” and all the sudden you were talking to your corner pharmacy?

All right, here we go: So … hold on. This isn’t even where I needed to go. Sorry guys – I’m going to give you details. Um – how’s everyone doing? Great. I’m also doing remarkably well. I’m just trying to find what I need to say here … let’s see. OK. I found it.

So. Anywho. So, I’m doing a meet and greet for people – either you can come to the show or not come to the show. The show is called Why Torture Is Wrong, and the People Who Love Them. I play Reverend Mike – I’m a reverend, who also directs porn. But, the day of the big event, of the meet and greet, is … March 13. At around 10:30 [p.m.]. We are going to be meeting at a restaurant, it’s just kind of “undisclosed,” right now.

And, so, I think – I’m not really quite sure how … tickets are, I think, around $75? And then we have money going to charity, and then … I don’t know. Jacqui’s in Taiwan, right now, so she wanted me to audioblog about this.

So, it’s the 13th, we know. And, you know what, we’ll take as many people as want to come. You know, Jacqui said between 15 and 20, but if there are people who, you know, if we have more than that, then we will accommodate everybody who wants to do this thing. Again, I apologize for the … God, I wish “retarded” wasn’t non-P.C., because I’m going to say “the retardedness,” because I’m concerned about being politically correct. I’m sorry about the retardedness of this audioblog, because all I know is that it’s going to be in Hollywood, California – Hollywood and Highland, by the Kodak Theater, where they do the Oscars. March 13th, 10:30, after the show.

Tickets [Jacqui note: To the play] are not included in the price of the meet and greet, however, you can purchase them over at the Blank Theatre. But, yeah, I would love to, y’know, we kind of came up with a little fan meet and greet. So, I think anyone who wants to come, if you can, I think maybe go to NickBrendon.com, I think there’ll be more information there, and let’s see how many people we can get here, you know?

Again, March 13th, after the show. The show ends around 10:20, so I’ll be available from 10:30 on. Ummmm … it’s so funny, I’m just, like, reading Jacqui’s notes. I twittered about it. … Kind of. She says, when: March 13, 10:30. Where: “I’m not sharing that with people yet” – but she did make a reservation! …

So, as far as I know, I think if you go to NickBrendon.com dot…

PART 2:

Hey, this is Nicky again. I was cut off.

So yes, so this thing is very real. 13th. Meet and greet. And, that’s all I wanted to say. So please come and see me! Y’know, see the play or not see the play. But, we’re going to be getting together, from walking distance from where the play is. On the 13th of March.

So, sign up people. Fly in from out of town. That’s it. That’s all I got. That’s all I got. Maybe Nina Dodson can fly in from out of town and say hi. So, yeah, OK. Talk to you soon – bye.

Transcript to come later.

PART ONE:

Hello, everybody. It’s me, Nicky B. Again. I know! What’s going on? I take a 10-month sabbatical, and now I leave one, what, six days ago? And now I’m leaving one right now.

Just wanted to call and check in again. Don’t have as much to say as I did before, but I’m still going to talk, because: Why not? I think, again, we should all give Jacqui a big round of applause for a., reminding me that I need to do this; and b. transcribing it.

So, today’s Sunday. And yesterday was Saturday and the day before that was Friday. I don’t know how you guys feel about Fridays, but I’m much more inclined to like a Monday. So I’m excited about tomorrow!

My movie aired last night, and I watched it and I thought that I played a convincing killer. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s been my dream to play a killer for a long time, and, you know, dreams do become reality … Oh, no. No, I didn’t mean to say that. I apologize. Like, reality in the sense of an actor realizing his part, and not actually killing somebody.

I’m getting great suggestions for scary books to read, thank you so much. I’m trying to think of what else I can ask for, because you guys are awesome: You know what, this is what it is: Without getting freaky-deaky on me, because I love watching movies.

PART TWO:

OK, hi, it’s Nicky again. So here’s my dilemma, is that my smartphone, quote-unquote “smartphone”? The iPhone? Completely took a shit on me, so I had to get this, like, cheap phone. It’s not the Zack Morris phone. You know, it’s not the phone that your parents had in like, 89, where they had to carry this briefcase when they had a phone. But this is the phone that when they decided that, “Hey, everything should be smaller!” So it actually looks like a DoucheTooth, as I call it — a BlueTooth.

And if anybody wears a DoucheTooth, I apologize — I don’t mean to offend you, but it’s that small. I’m on a DoucheTooth, a.k.a. BlueTooth, when you don’t need to be wearing it, you know what I mean? It’s like, when it’s always attached to your ear, and then it’s just kind of there. I don’t want to have a conversation with you. What are you, is it going to ring at some point, and you’re going to say, “Oh, sorry, I need to take this call”? You know, take it out. At the gym, take it out; if you’re ordering a coffee, take it out. If you’re having sex with me, you know, please, take out the DoucheTooth. What’s more important than that?

Anyways, so it cut me off, my phone, because it’s very, very, very cheap. I actually listened to what I said before and the quality is not great. However, it might be this way for the next two months because I’m not paying $500 bucks for a new phone because my upgrade at AT&T doesn’t kick in until December 3. Call me crazy — but then again, I spent $71 bucks on this piece of shit. Huh. Hey, if anybody works at AT&T or Apple and can say that this is ridiculous because my phone just died, and I’m not eligible for the upgrade? Give me a call.

Anywho, the movie was on last night. Send your favorite movies in to Jacqui. But, horror to suspense. Not so much sci-fi. I love doing sci-fi, I love writing sci-fi, I can’t wait for you guys to actually read the scripts that — or to see the scripts that I have written with my partner Ben. But horror, and like, thriller stuff. If you can send those in, too, because Halloween’s coming up. I wanna be scared, guys. I wanna be scared shitless. I want the shit to be scared out of me. You know, I want to be driving down PCH, and all of the sudden, shit in my car because I’m thinking about the movie or the book that I read last night. So, the gauntlet — it’s been tossed. It’s been thrown. There’s a line in the sand, and it’s Nicky, shitting his pants.

So, I’m going to say bye to that. I will check in — maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. Maybe Tuesday. Maybe on Wednesday. Maybe on Hump Day. But, we might need to have, on Hump Day, I think anybody with a partner needs to actually hump. And anybody who doesn’t have a partner? Needs to hump their hand. In some capacity. While thinking about Jacqui. My webmaster. She’s a master indeed.

All right guys, I love you. I’m going to sign off right now. And, yadda yadda yadda, wocka wocka wocka. Fozzie, Fozzie Bear. Bye.

PART THREE:

Hey, Nicky here, one more time. Three times in a night, totally insane.

I was actually just reading — Jacqui sent me a link to my website. So I can read all the great things that you were saying about me, and thank you so much. And then I reached — I read one, I got down to. Well, Amy said:

Creepy, creepy, creepy character, dude. And creepily played, with sensitivity and determination (eep)–kudos.

And then jsscgl said:

why is everyone on here writing direcctly to Nick as though Nick reads these posts?

So, jsscgl? Of course I read them, dude. Or dudette.

And then the one right afterwards, because I don’t wanna … E-m said — Em — E-m, Em said. And this is the first time, we’re reading together, because it’s where I’m at. It’s a long one. Hold on, here we go:

I’m terrible at remembering details after the fact so I made notes while I watched.

Okay, first, they made him rhyme? Really?

Non-ironic laugh at the McDreamy line. That was cute.

You know, when he poisoned the guy he hired to kill his wife, I thought maybe he was just tragically misunderstood.

(Nicholas: [Laughs] Oh, Em, you’ve got some problems. That’s funny.)

But I knew he was evil when he drank her milk straight from the container. EVIL!

(Nicholas: ‘Cause I guess you meant your husband does that.)

Note to the directors: If you want the ladies to fear the bad guy, you shouldn’t make kissing him look like so much fun.

(Nicholas: Em … I hope you’re not married, after that. Gettin’ a little rise. Continuing…)

Should I be finding the color commentary on the voyeur cam as funny as I do? It’s like he’s heckling a Lifetime movie.

(Nicholas: Good job, Em.)

When Nick does crazy and evil, he really does crazy and evil. Take note, television academy.

(Nicholas: You know, um … continuing…)

You know, if he were like 70 percent less murdery, I would say Casey should leave her husband and move in with the neighbor. He’d make a good soccer dad. That’s important.

(Nicholas: Well, how about, 30 percent less murdery? Because, you know, murder — and just ask George Bush and our government — is big business. Continuing.)

He ate their cake! EVIL!

(Nicholas: And it wasn’t even good, by the way. It was one of those things I had to do like, six times. And I ate it, and then I spit it into a trash can. That must have been at like, seven, eight o’clock in the morning. Long night. Continuing.)

Goddamn but Nick’s a charming bastard. You know, I get the feeling you could re-cut this movie into a romantic comedy pretty easily.

(Nicholas: [Laughs] Em, you’re awesome.)

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the music, those fantasy scenes with the backlit hair would be hilarious.

This guy is pretty fucking diabolical for a contractor. Oh, wait.

(Nicholas: Em, you’re cracking me up, right now.)

Ruh-roh. Shot down.

(Nicholas: Not sure what that means.)

So the husband cheated before?

(Nicholas: I know, that was my thing as well.)

I retract my earlier statement. Brent would only need to be 60 percent less murdery … (Nicholas: Em, you are fuckin’ awesome.) to be a better match for Casey.

(Nicholas: Though, I’m shocked that it only went down 10 percent. Clearly, Em, you have not been cheated on before. Because it should be zero percent. It sucks, by the way. OK, continuing.)

Dun, dun, dun. Shot down twice. According to the Law Of Lifetime, one more time and he’ll lose his shit and get stabby.

(Nicholas: Not sure what that means.)

Aaaand number three. Shit is being lost. Onto the psychopathy.

(Nicholas: Again, not sure what that means. Em, you’re losing me.)

Jeez. Doesn’t anyone keep their breakers in the basement anymore?

(Nicholas: East Coast, Em, East Coast. Steve! My dog. Steven, come here.)

Yeah, that board totally should have taken his head off Tarentino style. A guy with Nick’s upper body? I don’t buy it.

(Nicholas: I work out. And I do yoga. By the way, hey guys, this is fun. I should always read like, one post every week. You know, maybe I will do that! I’ve actually posted three times in one night. Maybe we’ll do a thing where I will read one post two to three times a week, depending on my schedule. OK, so, Em, here we go.)

See the bedroom door? That I buy.

(Nicholas: Yep, I would have taken it down even if it wasn’t jury-rigged.)

Aaaand (Nicholas: By the way, it’s with four A’s and then the -nd.) the stabby, with bonus-friendly cutting.

Very nice ending, Mr. De Palma.

(Nicholas: And then, here we go, this is the finale.)

So yeah, (Nicholas: Is that a word? The word is L, O, L, L, E, D. It’s Lolled? Or lollied. It’s not lollied, because there should be an i in there.) it’s true. But honestly, I don’t watch Lifetime movies because of their edgy storytelling. I watch them because they’re perfect for throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling at the characters. And this one delivered in a major way. Nick’s performance was a departure for the genre, which actually worked in a really weird way, because he was so un-self-consious in the role, it actually came out sort of self-aware, which had a cool meta-narrative quality about it when he was being stalkery.

(Nicholas: Thank you. Last line here.)

Or basically, what Miriam said. Great flick. Pairs well with Haagen Daaz and jam-jams.

Actually, she said jammies, but at about 10:30 when I put on my jammies, I always call my friends, and say good-night, and say, “Hey! I just put on my jam-jams.”

Hope you had a great day. Hope your evening is better. Hope you have great sleep. I’m in my jam-jams. And you guys rock. Thank you guys so much for watching it, and for commenting on it. And I’m not getting kidding about maybe commenting on one to three posts a week.

All right guys, this is it. At least a three- to four-day hiatus. Bye.