Hello, everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon, calling on your telephones, and your computers. Or whatever other reading devices you may currently use.

I’m calling for a couple reasons:
Just A., To say hi, because it’s been a little while; and
B. Well … this might go to Z, so … and B., I guess we have five tickets left for the meet and greet next Saturday, in six days. And, I think you can, oh gosh, get information on NickBrendon.com. Something like that. And it’s gonna be at a location by my play! Which I finish next week.

And then, all in all, I’m just calling to check in and just see how the hell you guys are doing. I just got back from the dog park, with Steve, my German Shepherd. And God, he’s such a good boy.

What else is going, on, really? The play has been lovely. The reviews have been amazing. And we have another week … and then it’s done. And then it’s done! I’ve got some things in the old pipeline that I’m waiting to hear on. But, let’s talk about movies.

Oh, I’m getting a phone call. Hold on. I have no idea who that is, so I’m not gonna answer it. I don’t trust it.

OK, so: Movies. Oh, I saw Shutter Island. And, yeah, yeah. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but … [Highlight to read spoilers] Leo was actually the patient. Oh no! Uh oh. I didn’t mean to say that. Yeah, he’s not really an agent, he’s not really a Marshal Agent. Oh, no! No. He used to be, but then he went crazy because his wife killed his three kids. Oh my gosh, stop! *gasp* Oh, I am horrible. Gosh, darn it.

Um, I like apples.

And you know what else I like? Coconut water. But just the plain coconut water. I have just discovered that, and I’ll tell you what: It’s changing my life.

What else is changing my life? Health care. No, I’m joking, we can’t talk about health care: Or can we? No … OK. Listen: Everyone should have insurance. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. And there’s nothing that you can say that would make me not say that. I’m gonna say it again: Everyone should have insurance. I mean, I remember when I was at law school, and my grandmother had cancer, and you know, she was denied insurance because she had a pre-existing condition.

Oh, wait, no, no: That’s Obama. I was never in law school. I’m having a hard time realizing who I am right now.

What else is going on? Let’s see, it’s pilot season, so there are a lot of auditions. And, I might be doing an animated series. I am creating one with a guy who does that, and it’s gonna be pretty, pretty awesome. So, we’re gonna have more information on that. And I’ll find out about the animated series as early as Tuesday or Wednesday, and once I find out: bada bing, bada boom. You guys will know. You guys might know before I know.

And then, I’m just waiting to hear from Criminal Minds, because it’s been a while since I’ve done an episode. So I’m hoping that they, they call me, because I love doing that show.

And, I love mangoes, too. Mangoes. I’m a really big fan of … oh, and I love, I love oatmeal. And granola with yogurt. Topped with some blueberries. I think I’m hungry right now. Oh, Lord. Oh, my.

So, I will call later and give you a rambling message. This is more of the: We have five tickets left for next Saturday’s meet and greet. So I’m, y’know, I’m just hoping that those five tickets are taken up by people who want to hang out and have dinner with this guy, right here. And whatever else we’re gonna do.

OK, my name is Nicholas Brendon, and I’m going to hang up on myself right now. And then I’m gonna call later and leave, like, an incoherent, rambling message. I hope everybody is well, across the world … and … um, uh, and, uh, um, I’m trying to think here. Yeah. Coke is it. Coke is it. Coca-Cola is it. This is not a Pepsi generation. Coke is it.

Hello, everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon calling you, for a couple reasons.

So, A: I haven’t called for a while.

Couple: I really haven’t called for a while. I’m trying to think if I’ve called since England. I think I may have called once.

I did the one-man show, so that took a lot of my time, and a lot of my spunk. Took a lot of my spunk with me, as well. All of my sperm went into this gay, one-man show. And then I started doing another play, so that’s where I’m at now.

I am calling you, though, because I’m doing a play right now, as I just said – trying to load it up – and I’m actually doing a meet and greet. A fan meet and greet, which my beautiful webmaster, Jacqui, is organizing for us – but I’m trying to get to the details right now. But my computer is being very slow. Oh, you’re being so bad, computer. Really? What happened? Technology. Remember rotary phones? Remember, “Hollywood, 424,” and all the sudden you were talking to your corner pharmacy?

All right, here we go: So … hold on. This isn’t even where I needed to go. Sorry guys – I’m going to give you details. Um – how’s everyone doing? Great. I’m also doing remarkably well. I’m just trying to find what I need to say here … let’s see. OK. I found it.

So. Anywho. So, I’m doing a meet and greet for people – either you can come to the show or not come to the show. The show is called Why Torture Is Wrong, and the People Who Love Them. I play Reverend Mike – I’m a reverend, who also directs porn. But, the day of the big event, of the meet and greet, is … March 13. At around 10:30 [p.m.]. We are going to be meeting at a restaurant, it’s just kind of “undisclosed,” right now.

And, so, I think – I’m not really quite sure how … tickets are, I think, around $75? And then we have money going to charity, and then … I don’t know. Jacqui’s in Taiwan, right now, so she wanted me to audioblog about this.

So, it’s the 13th, we know. And, you know what, we’ll take as many people as want to come. You know, Jacqui said between 15 and 20, but if there are people who, you know, if we have more than that, then we will accommodate everybody who wants to do this thing. Again, I apologize for the … God, I wish “retarded” wasn’t non-P.C., because I’m going to say “the retardedness,” because I’m concerned about being politically correct. I’m sorry about the retardedness of this audioblog, because all I know is that it’s going to be in Hollywood, California – Hollywood and Highland, by the Kodak Theater, where they do the Oscars. March 13th, 10:30, after the show.

Tickets [Jacqui note: To the play] are not included in the price of the meet and greet, however, you can purchase them over at the Blank Theatre. But, yeah, I would love to, y’know, we kind of came up with a little fan meet and greet. So, I think anyone who wants to come, if you can, I think maybe go to NickBrendon.com, I think there’ll be more information there, and let’s see how many people we can get here, you know?

Again, March 13th, after the show. The show ends around 10:20, so I’ll be available from 10:30 on. Ummmm … it’s so funny, I’m just, like, reading Jacqui’s notes. I twittered about it. … Kind of. She says, when: March 13, 10:30. Where: “I’m not sharing that with people yet” – but she did make a reservation! …

So, as far as I know, I think if you go to NickBrendon.com dot…

PART 2:

Hey, this is Nicky again. I was cut off.

So yes, so this thing is very real. 13th. Meet and greet. And, that’s all I wanted to say. So please come and see me! Y’know, see the play or not see the play. But, we’re going to be getting together, from walking distance from where the play is. On the 13th of March.

So, sign up people. Fly in from out of town. That’s it. That’s all I got. That’s all I got. Maybe Nina Dodson can fly in from out of town and say hi. So, yeah, OK. Talk to you soon – bye.

Transcript to come later.

PART ONE:

Hello, everybody. It’s me, Nicky B. Again. I know! What’s going on? I take a 10-month sabbatical, and now I leave one, what, six days ago? And now I’m leaving one right now.

Just wanted to call and check in again. Don’t have as much to say as I did before, but I’m still going to talk, because: Why not? I think, again, we should all give Jacqui a big round of applause for a., reminding me that I need to do this; and b. transcribing it.

So, today’s Sunday. And yesterday was Saturday and the day before that was Friday. I don’t know how you guys feel about Fridays, but I’m much more inclined to like a Monday. So I’m excited about tomorrow!

My movie aired last night, and I watched it and I thought that I played a convincing killer. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s been my dream to play a killer for a long time, and, you know, dreams do become reality … Oh, no. No, I didn’t mean to say that. I apologize. Like, reality in the sense of an actor realizing his part, and not actually killing somebody.

I’m getting great suggestions for scary books to read, thank you so much. I’m trying to think of what else I can ask for, because you guys are awesome: You know what, this is what it is: Without getting freaky-deaky on me, because I love watching movies.

PART TWO:

OK, hi, it’s Nicky again. So here’s my dilemma, is that my smartphone, quote-unquote “smartphone”? The iPhone? Completely took a shit on me, so I had to get this, like, cheap phone. It’s not the Zack Morris phone. You know, it’s not the phone that your parents had in like, 89, where they had to carry this briefcase when they had a phone. But this is the phone that when they decided that, “Hey, everything should be smaller!” So it actually looks like a DoucheTooth, as I call it — a BlueTooth.

And if anybody wears a DoucheTooth, I apologize — I don’t mean to offend you, but it’s that small. I’m on a DoucheTooth, a.k.a. BlueTooth, when you don’t need to be wearing it, you know what I mean? It’s like, when it’s always attached to your ear, and then it’s just kind of there. I don’t want to have a conversation with you. What are you, is it going to ring at some point, and you’re going to say, “Oh, sorry, I need to take this call”? You know, take it out. At the gym, take it out; if you’re ordering a coffee, take it out. If you’re having sex with me, you know, please, take out the DoucheTooth. What’s more important than that?

Anyways, so it cut me off, my phone, because it’s very, very, very cheap. I actually listened to what I said before and the quality is not great. However, it might be this way for the next two months because I’m not paying $500 bucks for a new phone because my upgrade at AT&T doesn’t kick in until December 3. Call me crazy — but then again, I spent $71 bucks on this piece of shit. Huh. Hey, if anybody works at AT&T or Apple and can say that this is ridiculous because my phone just died, and I’m not eligible for the upgrade? Give me a call.

Anywho, the movie was on last night. Send your favorite movies in to Jacqui. But, horror to suspense. Not so much sci-fi. I love doing sci-fi, I love writing sci-fi, I can’t wait for you guys to actually read the scripts that — or to see the scripts that I have written with my partner Ben. But horror, and like, thriller stuff. If you can send those in, too, because Halloween’s coming up. I wanna be scared, guys. I wanna be scared shitless. I want the shit to be scared out of me. You know, I want to be driving down PCH, and all of the sudden, shit in my car because I’m thinking about the movie or the book that I read last night. So, the gauntlet — it’s been tossed. It’s been thrown. There’s a line in the sand, and it’s Nicky, shitting his pants.

So, I’m going to say bye to that. I will check in — maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. Maybe Tuesday. Maybe on Wednesday. Maybe on Hump Day. But, we might need to have, on Hump Day, I think anybody with a partner needs to actually hump. And anybody who doesn’t have a partner? Needs to hump their hand. In some capacity. While thinking about Jacqui. My webmaster. She’s a master indeed.

All right guys, I love you. I’m going to sign off right now. And, yadda yadda yadda, wocka wocka wocka. Fozzie, Fozzie Bear. Bye.

PART THREE:

Hey, Nicky here, one more time. Three times in a night, totally insane.

I was actually just reading — Jacqui sent me a link to my website. So I can read all the great things that you were saying about me, and thank you so much. And then I reached — I read one, I got down to. Well, Amy said:

Creepy, creepy, creepy character, dude. And creepily played, with sensitivity and determination (eep)–kudos.

And then jsscgl said:

why is everyone on here writing direcctly to Nick as though Nick reads these posts?

So, jsscgl? Of course I read them, dude. Or dudette.

And then the one right afterwards, because I don’t wanna … E-m said — Em — E-m, Em said. And this is the first time, we’re reading together, because it’s where I’m at. It’s a long one. Hold on, here we go:

I’m terrible at remembering details after the fact so I made notes while I watched.

Okay, first, they made him rhyme? Really?

Non-ironic laugh at the McDreamy line. That was cute.

You know, when he poisoned the guy he hired to kill his wife, I thought maybe he was just tragically misunderstood.

(Nicholas: [Laughs] Oh, Em, you’ve got some problems. That’s funny.)

But I knew he was evil when he drank her milk straight from the container. EVIL!

(Nicholas: ‘Cause I guess you meant your husband does that.)

Note to the directors: If you want the ladies to fear the bad guy, you shouldn’t make kissing him look like so much fun.

(Nicholas: Em … I hope you’re not married, after that. Gettin’ a little rise. Continuing…)

Should I be finding the color commentary on the voyeur cam as funny as I do? It’s like he’s heckling a Lifetime movie.

(Nicholas: Good job, Em.)

When Nick does crazy and evil, he really does crazy and evil. Take note, television academy.

(Nicholas: You know, um … continuing…)

You know, if he were like 70 percent less murdery, I would say Casey should leave her husband and move in with the neighbor. He’d make a good soccer dad. That’s important.

(Nicholas: Well, how about, 30 percent less murdery? Because, you know, murder — and just ask George Bush and our government — is big business. Continuing.)

He ate their cake! EVIL!

(Nicholas: And it wasn’t even good, by the way. It was one of those things I had to do like, six times. And I ate it, and then I spit it into a trash can. That must have been at like, seven, eight o’clock in the morning. Long night. Continuing.)

Goddamn but Nick’s a charming bastard. You know, I get the feeling you could re-cut this movie into a romantic comedy pretty easily.

(Nicholas: [Laughs] Em, you’re awesome.)

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the music, those fantasy scenes with the backlit hair would be hilarious.

This guy is pretty fucking diabolical for a contractor. Oh, wait.

(Nicholas: Em, you’re cracking me up, right now.)

Ruh-roh. Shot down.

(Nicholas: Not sure what that means.)

So the husband cheated before?

(Nicholas: I know, that was my thing as well.)

I retract my earlier statement. Brent would only need to be 60 percent less murdery … (Nicholas: Em, you are fuckin’ awesome.) to be a better match for Casey.

(Nicholas: Though, I’m shocked that it only went down 10 percent. Clearly, Em, you have not been cheated on before. Because it should be zero percent. It sucks, by the way. OK, continuing.)

Dun, dun, dun. Shot down twice. According to the Law Of Lifetime, one more time and he’ll lose his shit and get stabby.

(Nicholas: Not sure what that means.)

Aaaand number three. Shit is being lost. Onto the psychopathy.

(Nicholas: Again, not sure what that means. Em, you’re losing me.)

Jeez. Doesn’t anyone keep their breakers in the basement anymore?

(Nicholas: East Coast, Em, East Coast. Steve! My dog. Steven, come here.)

Yeah, that board totally should have taken his head off Tarentino style. A guy with Nick’s upper body? I don’t buy it.

(Nicholas: I work out. And I do yoga. By the way, hey guys, this is fun. I should always read like, one post every week. You know, maybe I will do that! I’ve actually posted three times in one night. Maybe we’ll do a thing where I will read one post two to three times a week, depending on my schedule. OK, so, Em, here we go.)

See the bedroom door? That I buy.

(Nicholas: Yep, I would have taken it down even if it wasn’t jury-rigged.)

Aaaand (Nicholas: By the way, it’s with four A’s and then the -nd.) the stabby, with bonus-friendly cutting.

Very nice ending, Mr. De Palma.

(Nicholas: And then, here we go, this is the finale.)

So yeah, (Nicholas: Is that a word? The word is L, O, L, L, E, D. It’s Lolled? Or lollied. It’s not lollied, because there should be an i in there.) it’s true. But honestly, I don’t watch Lifetime movies because of their edgy storytelling. I watch them because they’re perfect for throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling at the characters. And this one delivered in a major way. Nick’s performance was a departure for the genre, which actually worked in a really weird way, because he was so un-self-consious in the role, it actually came out sort of self-aware, which had a cool meta-narrative quality about it when he was being stalkery.

(Nicholas: Thank you. Last line here.)

Or basically, what Miriam said. Great flick. Pairs well with Haagen Daaz and jam-jams.

Actually, she said jammies, but at about 10:30 when I put on my jammies, I always call my friends, and say good-night, and say, “Hey! I just put on my jam-jams.”

Hope you had a great day. Hope your evening is better. Hope you have great sleep. I’m in my jam-jams. And you guys rock. Thank you guys so much for watching it, and for commenting on it. And I’m not getting kidding about maybe commenting on one to three posts a week.

All right guys, this is it. At least a three- to four-day hiatus. Bye.

Oh, yes. Hello everybody. This is the beautiful and lovely … I’m actually looking for a word to describe myself — an adjective. A, yeah. Can’t take too long. Ass kissing?

Anyway, this is Nicholas Brendon. H-i-i-i-i. I’m back from my 10-month sabbatical. How is everybody out there? How, in the hell, are you? I’m doing quite well, thank you for asking. And I know one person’s saying, “I didn’t ask him.” Well, then, hang up. Because I’m doing well.

No, you know what, don’t hang up. Don’t. You know that one person who didn’t ask? Call me, and then we’ll go out for lemonade. There’s a great lemonade store by my house. It’s entitled “Lemonade,” so you would think that all they would have is lemonade? But nope, it’s the best, like, cafeteria situation that you could ever, ever wish for. They’ve got like, you know you just kind of walk up in line; they’ve got, like, coq au vin, some French chicken dish. They’ve got like, miso spare ribs that just fall off the bone. Their salads are a bit hoity-toity for me, but a fine, a fine, fine meal for, oh, $12.99. And I get water because I don’t drink lemonade. It gives me heartburn.

So, I’ve been busy. I’ve been doing a couple things. This Saturday, on [Lifetime Movie Network], we have [My] Neighbor’s Secret. I’m the neighbor and I have a secret.

And that secret is, I kill people. Or, I like to kill people. Which is kind of, on the heels of, because I shot Without a Trace, which I still haven’t seen, where I killed somebody. Or tried to kill somebody. Killing was definitely, like, not a bad thing on the Without a Trace thing. It was kind of like, that’s what I had to do. And then, instead, I got killed. Which means that I wouldn’t have been coming back to that show. But it was the show’s last episode. That will probably, maybe at one point be a Trivial Pursuit question: What show was Nicholas Brendon on the last episode of? And then it’d be like, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or my next show, that there will be a last episode. But it will be, no, Without a Trace. That will be the correct answer. Not that the other answers wouldn’t have been correct.

Anywho, I ramble.

And that’s, you know, it’s fun. Leslie Hope, an amazing actress, she directed it. And it was a lot of work. We had, like, 260 scenes, which is about a hundred scenes more than you would normally have, working under those circumstances, and it was kind of like cardio. It was like we were shooting a movie, but we were running a marathon at the same time. So, suffice to say, I look amazing. Shredded. Like the wheat.

How are you? You know, every time I do this, I say I’m going to do this more often. Jacqui, by the way, is a godsend. So helpful. And she really kind of gets me back on track. And, so let’s all give her a big, rousing round of applause. Except for that one person — you know who I’m talking about. However, she did say to not blog. No, I’m joking. She calls me every week, and says that, and I’m like, I know, and then I feel so bad. So I’m going to try and make this much more of a biweekly thing? Bi-monthly thing? Either way, I’m going bi. … You suck one dick, you know?

Um, so, you know, Jacqui, you can put that in there or not. But I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to have to type, “You suck one dick.” [Laugh] “With a laugh, ‘You suck one dick.’”

I’m not going to Africa. I would be there now, I just have too much to do here, with the opening of My Neighbor’s Secret. And then I did a little movie called The Holiday House, with Andrea Roth. And she’s on a show called Rescue Me. And that’s actually a cute little holiday picture that we’re hoping will go to Oxygen or Hallmark, one of those little TV movie things.

And I’ve been just really kind of enjoying the summer. By the way, happy first day of fall. This summer flew by. I’m kind of ready for it to be fall. It just gets so hot out here, man. We’ve got the devil winds blowing today. We’ve got the Santa Anas coming in. We just got done with the largest fire in Los Angeles County history. And it wasn’t even the fire season. So, you know, these devil winds come in and people just get crazy. People start killing, and then people start raping. And then they kill and then rape, which is like, disgusting because that’s like, necrophilia, and I’m not for that. I’m not saying that I’m not for killing or raping, but do them independently. That’s all I ask.

Saw a great movie yesterday, called The September Issue. It’s about the editor in chief over at Vogue. Fantastic; apparently it didn’t do her justice, in the sense of she’s a much bigger bitch than that. But, beautiful film. I highly recommend it.

I’m going to go be … go be seeing, by the way, that’s my English. That’s where I’m at right now. “I’m going to go be seeing meself that Bright Star movie.” I don’t know, wherever you guys are, but L.A. gets probably more films than other places in the land. But the Bright Star is the Jane Campion film; she did The Piano. It’s about Keats, and it’s supposed to be amazing. So I’m very excited about that.

I miss you guys a lot. I really do. I wish I could see you guys more often … or at all, really. And if any of you were on hand for that Criminal Minds chat, thank you so much. I don’t think that they were expecting that many people, and I think they were very, very happy and pleased with that.

Let’s see, I’m trying to think of what books I’m reading right now, because it’s also very important. I just finished [Crazy for] the Storm, which is written by Ollestad. It’s this great book about a father and a son, and then the father dies and then the son goes on. I didn’t ruin anything for you.

Kelly’s reading — my twin brother — he’s reading a book called Manhunt, which is about the manhunt for John Wilkes Booth, and it must be, like a 500-page book. And we were at the pool last weekend, and he’s probably on page 400. And I said, “Are you at the point where John Wilkes Booth is locked in the barn, and they’ve set it on fire, and they’ve shot him?” And he’s like, and he was seriously, kind of like “… Nick. Nick, why would you do that? I was wondering how he died …” And I’m like, “Well, dude, he was locked in a barn, and then they burned it, and then they shot him.” I felt so horrible, I thought people knew that, you know? So, yeah, I kind of ruined the ending of a book.

Steven, stop whining, buddy, I fed you. My beautiful German Shepherd is whining right now. We’ve had a tough day, haven’t we? Yeah, they’ll get better. They’ll get better, buddy. He’s got a friend next door who he loves. His name’s Toby, a little Australian Shepherd. Like, if i have the door open and I go brush my teeth or whatever, he’s, just gone. He’s over there and like, on his stoop. It really makes a guy feel wanted — not really.

Hey, any of you single ladies out there, you know, just saying. Got nothing going on in my life right now when it comes to relationships. You know, semi-successful. Semi-attractive. Great sense of humor. A better talker than a listener, but I’m working on my listening skills. Eat a lot of fish, but I’m not against red meats. And fowl. Any type of fowl is probably going to be the dirtiest meat, so I try to stay away from chicken. Anything that eats their own poo. And pigs do not eat their own poop. Pigs are actually quite clean animals. They get a bad rap, I say — like, wrapped in bacon. Oh! I’m not even hungry right now, I just ate dinner.

What else is going on, kids? I’m going to start The Count of Monte Cristo. One of my best friends gave that to me. But also, I want to start a scary book. Like a really scary book; but not, like, fantasy scary book, you know, like a true scary book, because Halloween’s coming up. Can somebody email Jacqui or somebody, I guess it would be Jacqui or my page, some good suggestions for scary books. But not fairies — I’m not into fairies and stuff. And I’m not into things with pointed ears, you know what I mean? I want it to be a scary book. Like, I wasn’t a huge fan of Lord of the Rings, and I apologize if I’ve offended anybody. That’s just a bit too sensational for me. I’m much more of a guy that’s like, a psychological guy. Like, I love murderers, but I would love it to be on this planet: Planet Earth, of course. And also the planet Remcon. Which is where I go to, and from. Tomorrow, I’ll be on Remcon, and then Friday I’ll be back on planet Earth.

This is why you guys, you guys love the babble. Because I’m definitely good at the babble.

My business partner and I, Ben Thompson, we just finished our second pilot script. The first one is called Darkness. That actually takes place on another planet, which is funny, isn’t it? The second one is called Damnation Girls, and that’s about a town that falls into Hell. The town disappears, and our heroes have to bring it back. And we’re finishing up one probably tomorrow, for our third pilot script, it’s called Silver City. It’s a vampire western, with a bad-ass priest. And then we were going to write some movies. Our company’s called Six-Eyed Monster. We kind of update it as often as possible. We’re about to talk to a cartoonist in about 15 minutes because we’re going to do motion comics. We’ve already started for Darkness, and we’re going to do it for Damnation Girls, and we’re also going to do it for Silver City. So those are going to be out there.

So I’m definitely keeping busy. Criminal Minds, hopefully will happen soon. I will be very, very interested to hear what you guys think about — I have no idea what this movie is going to be like on Saturday. I know that the character was fun, I know that the script was kind of cheesy. But, I mean, it was so much work, and I just don’t know how it’s going to cut, but I’m really interested in knowing what you guys think about it. So, I guess after you all watch it on Saturday, then you’ll type in. Then I’ll read that stuff. Then I’ll post another audioblog, which is what I’m doing right now.

So you know, I think I’m going to sign off here. ‘Cause, you know me, I run out of things to talk about. I don’t like eating chicken. Dirty, dirty, rotten animals. And they’re not nice to each other, either. Watch a chicken play with another chicken; it’s truly foul. Foul and rude. But you guys are not, neither — not neither, which is a double, which means you are foul and rude. “You guys are not neither foul or rude.”

You guys are awesome. I hope I’m talking to more than two people right now. I honestly thought that I would get about five or six people for my Criminal Minds chat, and I think 7,000 showed up. So, tell your friends that I’m back. That I’m not black, still, though I’m trying. And, lest we forget, lest we forget, that every time I turn around. my back is still behind me. Peace out, love to your mom. And, in the immortal words of my personal hero, Kanye West, “Beyonce should have won. Beyonce should have won. Beyonce should have won.”

Continued from Part I

Hi, it’s me, again. The machine cut me off. So I’m back. We’ll beat this machine! We will beat this machine. That sounds a little, um, graphic. That sounds kind of almost pornographic: Beat your machine, man! What are you doing in there? Beating your machine? Get out, give some of us a chance!

Anyway, I forgot. Oh, the Slumdog Millionaire. Yeah, good stuff. And then I saw a movie called The Changeling, which I also very much enjoyed.

But yeah. So, I’m writing a lot right now. And I’m actually, kind of just about done fleshing out a project. And I’m actually using vampires in it. Because I’m melding two genres together. I’ve already given you one of the genres. I’m not going to give you the second genre, not till it’s done. Ah, ah, ahh-hhh. Hard as you might beg, I cannot do it. It’s for your own good. I would have to kill you all. And I’m not a violent person; I’m a lover, not a fighter.

I’ve got another episode of Criminal Minds that is “in the can,” as they say. And, again, sorry it’s taken so long to blog and publish: I’m a jackhole sometimes. Sometimes I’m a grade-a jackhole. So that’s all I can say. Please accept my most humblest of apologies. Love to you all, from beautiful, sunny – burny – Southern California. It likes to burn a lot down here. We’re actually fire free today, have no fires today. But it was bad last week.

And, I miss you all very much, those of you who I’ve met. Those of you who I haven’t met: Get off your asses already, and come over and meet me! All right, I will talk to you soon, when there’s more stuff to report. Again, I’ll say sooner rather than later, but would it be a blog if Nicky didn’t say “sooner rather than later”?

Take care everybody! Hope you’re well. Bye. Lemme see. Now I gotta figure out how to end this. Let me see here. I think I hit 3. I’m going to hit 3 now. I’m going to hit 3! I’m going to do it! 3.

Hellooo, everybody. It’s Nicholas Brendon, calling you, at your homes. At your works. At your synagogues. At your mosques. At your temples. I be … ugh. Are you gonna? … This thing keeps hanging up on me, so if it does, I’m just going to have to put my fist through a windshield.

I’m driving in beautiful downtown right now – downtown Los Angeles. And, one of my episodes of Criminal Minds aired last night. Probably, this is a day late, if not two days late, this blog. But I wanted to blog at you: Blog. … It’s … probably … Blog. … Hold on: Blog. Blog. Blog. OK. Sorry about that. It’s gonna be a little: “Cleanup on Aisle 4. Yeah, I blogged everywhere. So if you can help me clean that up, that’d be great. Y-e-a-h. It’s kind of leaking into Aisle 5 now, too. It’s a mess.”

So, I just got done reading a book called A Prayer for Owen Meany; I was a little late on it. But, you know, I gotta say I enjoyed it. I loved Owen Meany. However, I did not particularly care for John, the narrator of the book. And I thought that the end was horribly cheesy. And I cannot express, or stress enough how much I did not like John. That whiny, pansy bitch. Who just whined, and whined, and. … ”I’m still a virgin, I’m 40.” It’s like, shut up and fuck somebody, already, ya’ know. My gosh. And you can tell, he probably walks like a penguin, and has, like, a slight case of halitosis, you know. It’s like shut up. Man.

I just started reading a book called Prizzi’s Honor, which was a movie with Jack Nicholson. I’m part owner of a bookstore, so I just kind of get these … I just take books out, and I read them. And I’m really enjoying that. I’m on page, like, what: 90. So it’s really given me some interesting ideas with writing and stuff. Because I’m writing, too.

Just finished a pilot – a comedy pilot, that we’re going to shoot. It’s called The Quincy Rose Show, and I am playing myself: I’m playing Nicholas Brendon in this project. And we’re going to shoot it on a shoestring budget, and shop it to networks, or quite possibly produce it online. And then we would have complete creative control of it … I’m talking to you like you guys are my lawyers. So, email me and let me know if you think that’s a good idea.

I have seen … I just saw Slumdog Millionaire, which is a movie by … a director. A director directed it – Chris Boyd, I think, is his name? Beautiful film. If you guys, probably overseas. Well, it’s from, I don’t know… it’s so weird. I don’t know.

Continued in Part II

Helloooo everybody. It’s Nicky Brendon calling you.

I’m driving home from shooting the Criminal Minds. I got home from Scotland about five days ago, and I just wanted to let everybody know that I had a wonderful time in Scotland. And all of the fans there were wonderful.

So if anybody is listening to this right now, I am driving on the 110 freeway, going through downtown Los Angeles and I wanted to thank you all, and I did promise that I would tell Jenn and Philippa (I hope I’m saying that right), thank you. So clearly, if anybody wants their name mentioned — a mad shoutout — pull me aside and I will madly shout you out.

But yeah, everything is pretty status quo here in Los Angeles. I am about to embark on another little trip. I’m going to go to France for about eight or nine days, to meet my best friend and surf.

My writing partner and I — writing partners and I — have been writing this show called The Damnation Girls, and apparently, from what I understand, Disney has decided to publish it on iTunes. They’re going to be little graphic comics, and I will be voicing one of the characters on it. So, look out for that; I think what I’ll do is, I’ll probably just have Jacqui — Hi Jacqui! — my beautiful webmaster, put a link that can link you right up to it. So, we’re kind of in the final stages of that. So be looking for that, and it will be the first of many things that are published, or on the screen.

So yeah, that’s pretty much it for right now. Like I said, everyone in Scotland was wonderful, and thank you so much for being kind to me. Because I’m a very sensitive individual. This will be short, but sweet. I hope everyone is well. I hope this message finds everybody in good health. And good happy.

So I will be more forthcoming with Damnation Girls when I have more forthcoming information to forthcome. And that is it, so thank you all, and I will be blogging sooner, rather than later.

You know what I should start doing? I should start having, like, a point list of things to talk about. I kind of talk off the cuff — I talk on the cuff, too, but that’s between me and my God. So! I hope everyone’s great, and I will talk at you later! By-ye.

Hello there, everybody. This is Nicholas Brendon, and I am audioblogging right now.

It’s been a while. I was doing a play with Richard Kind and a director by the name of Paul Mazursky called Adam Baum and the Jew Movie, and it was a lovely experience. So I kind of got caught up in that, and I’m also just a lazy bum, and I apologize. So for the three people out there that are actually going to hear this audioblog, this is for you.

First of all, before we start, let’s give props to … well, to the world, really. Because without the world, we would not be here. So, let’s just put the phone down real quick and let’s give an applause. Hold on really quick, please. [applause] All right world. Sweet. Yeah.

OK. I feel much better. So, I’m getting on a plan tomorrow, to leave for Scotland, for, I think, four days to do a little meet and greet. I’ve never been to Scotland before, so I’m kind of excited about this.

And I just got the word that I’m going to be in the next episode of Criminal Minds. A cute little scene there, right in the middle of the script. So my clothes are going to be staying on for this episode — so any of you that were looking to see me naked, you’ll just have to go to my fan Web site, which I think is NicholasBrendon.com [Webmaster note: It’s not; this is it.], and maybe there’s some naked pictures of me up there [Webmaster note: There isn’t -- yet.]

Outside of that, everything has pretty much just been status quo over here, you know. Living the dream. Reading some fantastic books right now. One of them is called, I think it’s called The Language of God. Which is a beautiful, beautiful book. I’m reading a couple of surfing books right now. One is called In Search of Captain Zero. ‘Cause I’ve been doing a lot of surfing lately, and really kind of … just absorbing myself with that culture. And also hopping on a board and then riding waves until I fall. I’m bruised and battered, but I’m alive. That’s all.

Let’s all, everyone say hi to Jacqui [Webmaster note: That's me.]. She just had a little surgery, and let’s hope that she’s recovering well. So, hello Jacqui. If you guys didn’t know that, just give her a little heads up, and a little huppa huppa. Whatever that means.

Yeah, so, I’m trying to think. I’m doing a lot of writing; trying to get things going on that end. I’m writing with Ben Thompson, who was doing Super Cat, and we have a few shows going. And then I’ve got this other writing partner, that we’re doing, too, so you just never know. I mean, I might be going from actor to mogul, but I’ll never leave acting. Because I love it too much.

The play was amazing, by the way. It was such an amazing experience to play a goy in a Jew play. I really learned about that culture, and, boy, am I happy that I’m a goy. No, I’m joking, for all the Jews out there. You know what I mean.

So, yeah. So I get on a plane tomorrow, to where I will read more books. Because it’s such a long, effing flight out there. I’m going to Heathrow, and then from Heathrow to this place called Glasgow. I think it’s got, like, population eight or something like that. Glasgow, something like that.

I’m trying to think of what else is going on right now. You know, that’s pretty much it. I wish you guys would have an audioblog, so then I can hear what you guys are doing.

I know that there’s been talk about the Buffy Animated Series. Which we did, gosh, like, three years ago. You know, to be quite honest with you, I don’t know why it didn’t go further, but I know that there’s been a lot of hububaloo on the old YouTube there, and I checked it out and I almost got a little teary. You know, I hadn’t seen Xander in a while, and it was kind of neat to kind of go back into that library and that into life, and all that stuff. But, yeah. So, listen, I’ll go on the record by saying I would love to do an animated series for Buffy. That being said, I might be the only one. But, I’m not sure. I haven’t had a chance to talk to anybody about it. So, you know, keep your fingers crossed.

I will report back to you, I promise, I promise, when I get back from Glasgow. I will report on the books that I’m bringing with me. I’m bringing with me a book called Angela’s Ashes, by Frank McCourt, and then another Frank McCourt book.

Which — a guy by the name of Frank McCourt bought my Los Angeles Dodgers. I’m guessing it’s not the same Frank McCourt because my Frank McCourt over here in L.A. made his money in the parking business. Which, if anybody has land that hasn’t been zoned for housing? Throw a parking lot on it, and then maybe within 10 years you’ll be able to buy a professional sports team. I think that’s the way it goes. I’m not an economist or an accountant or anything, but it seems that if you just have a parking lot, that they throw money at you. And then you can buy — I think the Cubs are for sale. I know Tribune’s going through a hard time right now with the decline of newspaper sales. So, clearly the new owner of Tribune probably should have spent the $8.5 billion dollars on a parking lot. Again, if anybody has land, it doesn’t really even matter if it’s around anything. I just think that if you put asphalt on this land and throw up parking spaces, the government subsidizes everything. And like I said, you can own the Chicago Cubs. You know, but the Cubs come with Lou Pinella. So I’m not really quite sure if you want Lou Pinella managing your team. You know, he’s a particular taste. Some people love his taste; some people don’t like his taste. I’m typically not into the taste of man, so I probably shouldn’t say anything. But if I were to taste a man, I think I would love to taste Lou Pinella.

What else. The Olympics are going on. And I have not watched a single drop. Drop meaning, kind of a segue into Michael Phelps, and the pool section of it. That guy’s got a nice body. I take that back. If I were to taste man, it would be Michael Phelps. And then there was some lady from Uruguay, or something like that — I found this on the computer yesterday. I guess she’s a javelin thrower? Knockout. Wow. Pretty. I guess she came in next to last. I want to know who came in last, because she’s gotta be stunningly gorgeous. Because I’m guessing that probably the ugliest woman won the javelin, and then it went probably from attractiveness all the way down. So really ugly: gold. Like, your sister ugly: silver. Your alcoholic aunt ugly: bronze. And then … no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Really ugly, well, anyway, really ugly: gold. To then, stunningly gorgeous: 11th place. So, that’s the way that goes. Because I was thinking about my alcoholic aunt, and not that attractive, so she should have won the gold.

Anyway, I’m rambling now. I hope this audioblog finds you in great spirits, and you’re having a great summer. And I will talk to you when I get back from Glasgow, population: eight. This is Nicholas Brendon, and Nicholas Brendon, signing off.

Hello everybody! It’s Nicholas Brendon here, calling you on Thursday, the 20th. Got the big Buffy reunion tonight, at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood, California. And it should be interesting to see everybody again. Everyone’s going to be there, and … let’s see.

My girlfriend told me to answer some questions from, you know, the Web site, and this is the one I will answer today. Emma is not named after Emma Caulfield. The little Chihuahua that you hear barking in the background sometimes, is not named for Emma Caulfield. So there. It’s on the record. I adopted the dogs. They came into my life after they were named. I probably wouldn’t have picked Emma, but Emma is a sweet name, since my girlfriend will read this. Probably.

So, a couple things, few things. I start my next episode of Criminal Minds on Monday. I haven’t gotten the script yet, so I’m not sure if I’m going to be showing full frontal again, but you can rest assured I’ve been down to the gym — just a part of my repertoire, now (good luck spelling that one, Jacqui). I know that I can count on Jacqui, of course, the webmaster who transcribes everything. Hello, Jacqui, hellooooo.

And then I’m going to Atlanta to finish writing the show … the cartoon that I’m teaming up with Ben Thompson, who is the writer of Super Cat. And, so, we were supposed to go to New York on Monday to pitch all the shows to the Cartoon Network again, but I’m gonna be working, so Ben’s going, alone. So if anybody wants to contact the Cartoon Network and say, “I’ve seen this Super Cat thing on YouTube,” feel free, and have your friends call, too. Because they had a change of power. Yeah, you know, it’s not even Hollywood, it’s in New York, you know, but it’s the same politics out there. Out with the old, in with the new, but the old guy who that there was there for like, six months. … I’m just the talent, y’know?

Reading a great book called The Revelations of Dr. Modesto right now. Saw a really good movie called Under the Same Moon — it’s one of those read-y films, y’know. Foreign. One of those foreign-language films. And it was very sweet. Very, very, very sweet. So if it’s around in theaters, wherever this message is finding you all, go check out that movie. I’m pretty sure we’ve talked about other movies I’ve seen. It’s been a little busy for me lately, so I haven’t seen as many movies as I would have liked.

Andrew Bynum, the Lakers center, is going to be coming back in two weeks, and that’s very good for my Lakers. And the Dodgers’ season starts on March 31, which I couldn’t be more excited about. I’m hoping that my girlfriend gets me tickets to the opening day. I’m hoping that she reads this, but she hasn’t really tipped her hand. And there’s a chance I could be working, too, so you know, everything is kind of up in the air right now.

But, more importantly, this Paley thing is up first, and it’s tonight. I’m a little nervous, ’cause you know it’s kind of like seeing an old girlfriend. And you know you’re not getting back together, but you’ve still got to see her. So that’s gonna be interesting. I will … what I’ll do: I’m flying to Atlanta tomorrow, so when I get into Atlanta, I will leave a blog — an audioblog, that’s what this is, that’s what I’m doing right now. And let you know how it went. Lauren might try to videotape it tonight, so we can put it up on my Web site. That’s obviously ambitious, but if we can not do that, then I’ll give you a blow by blow of everything that happened. It might take a few hours, you know, but you guys have the patience to listen to me ramble for a few hours, dontchya’? Don-chya’?

Alright, hope this message is finding everyone well, and I will talk at you tomorrow. Peace be with you. Malakahakameka. Myayaya-huhuh. And, tootles. Ta! Byeee.