All right, Phoenixicians.

Phoenixiaoxians.

People from Phoenix.

My lovely handler Jacqui, who is battling breast cancer right now, was told that you guys wanted a meet and greet. Now we got this meet-and-greet action going on – by the way, this is Nicky Brendon – and I will dance for you naked, or whatever the fuck you guys want, in our two-hour bowling session.

But, you know Jacqui’s got better time – she’s got shit to do. I mean, she’s going through chemo, you know. So, it’s like, we decided that this was the wise thing. We have sold two tickets now; we’ve got eight days to sell 18 more tickets. So, tell your friends, because, you know, we weren’t going to do it; you guys wanted it; I’m gonna be there with bells on. It’s gonna be the best event ever. So, you know. Let’s do this to fight cancer.

This’ll be my last phone call on this subject. But we got 10 days to get 18 people. So, friends, get your people involved. Jacqui will be there, and you can see what breast cancer’s like. And she’ll show you her wig, she’ll show you her shaved head. I’ll show you my shaved balls – which has nothing to do with cancer, but it’s just because I like to shave my balls.

All right, so, get it together. We were not going to do this, but you guys wanted it, so come, come, come, come, come. Come. I’ll write you poems. I’ll do shit. You’re hearing my voice right now: It’s my audioblog! My next audioblog, I will read a poem and stop harassing the Phoenix people who wanted this fucking thing. Step up! Come on, let’s go bowl. We need 10, 15, 20 people. So, we’ve got two so far. Two, by the way. So come on – somebody step up and bring friends. ‘Cause otherwise, I will not do this anymore.

Crikey. Come on. Do it! Pizza. Bowling. I think, drinks. Anyway. This will be my last contact on the Phoenix event. Please come, it’s going to be great. My dad lives there, so I’m gonna see him. So, let’s get between, like, 12 and 15 people bowling. It’ll be awesome. Alright, I love you guys. I’ll call you tomorrow with a poem. Bye.

Hello, guys. I’m actually lighting a cigarette on the stove, because, oh, when you live in a trailer, that’s what you do.

So, I’m calling again to say hi and give you updates. Jacqui’s doing very well; my girlfriend’s … is doing as well as she possibly can. I wrote a poem today, which somehow kind of managed to … leave my mind. I was talking to this songwriter in Venice, and I think he may have stolen it. But let me get you the gist of this.

Alright, here we go:

So I was talking to a lady in her late fifties today
She was a lady who didn’t care.
Had toothpaste crust on the right side of her mouth
Not the left, but the right.

She drank her tea
And wasn’t aware that her tea was dripping on her night skirt
I wondered if I could maybe help
She said no.

She told me that she didn’t think that she was alive;
That she was dead.
She looked around her house
Saw a tea set that her mom had left her, and said,
“I know that that’s real. But I know that it’s not real.”

I had come upon this once in my life before;
I had done too much Special K
Ketamine
It’s a horse tranquilizer.

I did too many lines
I walked up my street; went to my house.
I saw my pool; I didn’t recognize it.
My wife was sleeping on my couch; didn’t recognize her.
But what I did recognize was the movie Xanadu she had playing on the TV.
Who, in the fuck, watches Xanadu?

She continued talking.
She kept sipping her tea,
Dripping out
And dripping in on her nightgown.
I stopped telling her that she was dripping tea on her nightgown.

“I’m dead,” she said.
“I’m dead. Nothing is real.”
I reassured her that everything was real.
That night, she jumped off a bridge.
That night, everything became real.

That’s the poem. How you guys doin’? So, Kelly and I are going to be in Anaheim at the end of April; and then we’re going to be together again, I think, golly, in Chicago. Which is going to be weird. Such a long time, because Chicago’s August. [Jacqui's note: Find out how you can help get Kelly to Philadelphia Comic Con.]

But, y’know, going through changes here, y’know. Just kind of livin’ life, as pseudo-celebrities, and non-celebrities and awesome people do, y’know? So, been down for a couple months, but, you know, I’m writing poetry again. I’m poppin’ back up!

I start work on the last episode of Criminal Minds on the 20th of this month; then I end on the 25th. So I will have more information by the time I see you guys in Anaheim. But thank you guys so much, for the love and support for the birthday. It was a big one. We’re not particularly big on birthdays.

Always give Jacqui your love and support, because the cancer’s going away. And that’s it. I’m not reading a book right now, which is probably one of my biggest things. But, I hope you enjoy the poem. And I hope you text Jacqui and let her know that you’re thinking about her and that you love her. And if you have cancer, too, even better! Because, y’know, you could, y’know, use a support system.

I’ve talked so much to where my cigarette’s out. I’ll try and do it in the next day or two; I’ll write another poem. And it’ll probably be in the same form, y’know. But you guys are great. I love you. And I did not say penis once. Except for this … hold on. There’s a guy walking down my street with his dick hanging out. He’s sucking his own dick! I’m going to give him a dollar. That’s … wow. I can’t do that.

OK. Talk to you soon. Bye.

Part 2:

Heeeeey, it’s me again! Twice in one night, I know. I love you guys … again, lighting a cigarette on the stove …

This one, actually, I didn’t write this one down. It’s called “Bactine.” So we’re gonna talk through it together. So I’m gonna go outside. All right. So. It’s called, “Bactine.”

When I was a kid, I would fall.
My mom would worry
and spray Bactine on me.

As I became older,
I rode a bike.
I would fall off,
Scrap my knee.
My mom would worry
and spray Bactine on me.

As I became an athlete,
I would hurt myself.
My mom had her Bactine
but I would not allow her to spray it on me.

When you’re in love,
and your heart hurts,
there is no Bactine.

That’s it. So, hopefully you guys enjoy it. I was hanging out with Steve and it just kinda, “Bactine” came to me. Actually, as a kid I never used Bactine, but, anyway. Broken hearts … something for a broken heart. I will give you guys a call tomorrow. Bye.

Helloooo, guys. How are you?

Nicholas Brendon here. I am calling for a few reasons. Because I had promised that I would blog more. And I’ve, uh, lied in that respect. And also I’ve just been kind of going through a weird time in my life. My girlfriend’s mom passed away about 10 days ago, and Jacqui’s got you know, cancer that she’s fighting very well, so I haven’t really been in, you know, like a funny, funny, funny mood. Which is what I love to give you guys. I am going to give you some information, and then start being funny a little bit more. Because comedy comes from tragedy.

So, apparently My Neighbor’s Secret has been on a lot, and I’ve been playing the bad guy on it. And apparently, Private Practice wants to nominate me for an Emmy for my playing a rapist. Which, you know, people always ask, “Hey man, what was that like, you know? How did you prepare?” And I will say, “I raped a bunch of people. Typically, under the age of 17.” J-o-o-o-ke. In case FBI’s listening.

And, so I’m going to be in Anaheim, with my twin brother, Kelly, from April 29-May 1. And then, we haven’t had a meet and greet in a while, because of Jacqui’s cancer. And she is getting better. And if you guys can, you know, send her messages and love, that would be amazing. But we’re gonna do a karaoke event on Saturday, June 18, in Philly. Tickets are $100 and there are 30 left. Which means that we’ve sold 12. And if we sell more, then, whatever. We’ll pack the room. But it’ll be a five- or six-hour event [Editor's note: Three. From 7:30-10:30 p.m.]. And I will sing with anybody who wants to sing with me.

I’m also doing the last episode of Criminal Minds [Editor's note: For the season, don't panic.], which I’m really excited about. Which I do next week. Steven, my dog, is doing very well. He’s sitting to the left of me — or camera right, if you’re an actor. And I just want to thank you guys, for anybody who sent me birthday wishes on the old twat machine [Editor's note: His name for Twitter.]

I love you guys a lot, you know, and I’m just kinda going through a smallish hard time. And I do promise to write more poetry, and to make you guys laugh. Because that’s what I do. Right now, I’m taking care of my girl. And it was a sudden death with her mom, so it’s kind of, you know, just a lot of love and support. And with Jacqui, she’s actually doing really, really, really well. So that’s it. I’m in Anaheim with Kelly on the 29th of April to the first of May. And then, June 18th, I’m there, there aren’t dates here, for that weekend, but we have the karaoke event. Which I did once before, in Austin. And it was awesome.

So I will actually republish tomorrow. Not being so maudlin … or mood-lin. I’ll be more sardonic. More ironic. And more some other words that mean that. You guys are great. I love you. Come to Anaheim. Buy tickets to the Philly event, the karaoke event. It’s going to be a kick-ass time. And I’ll call you guys tomorrow. And I will offend you and make you guys laugh.

All right?

Take care. Bye.

To buy tickets to the Philadelphia karaoke meet and greet:

Hello, bitches. It’s Nicky Brendon. How are you?

I’m calling you, late-style, on a Wednesday, the day that Very Bad Koalas premiered, which is a very, very, very, very special project in my life. Just, y’know, all you Buffy fans, I think, will be able to, once the show takes off, see the nuances of it.

Avery and Irving broke out today, and I need to find ‘em. And, if you could help me find them, that’d be great. I’m devastated. There’ll be rewards for them. But they were wrongfully accused, and I need you guys to watch it, and then also help me find these little fuckers.

Um.

Uh.

I’m reading my notes here.

It’s late. Packing for New York. How ya’ll doin’? I got some poems for you, too, but I’m going to do that when I get to New York. This is about Avery and Irving.

Um, OK, blah blah blah blah. Got them. Alright, so.

Alright, so Very Bad Koalas is live, as it is. Everyone check it out. The koalas milking cows at gunpoint: Jacqui, my webmaster, and I also thought that that was my idea, but it was actually Steve’s idea, and it was an amazing idea.

There’s a new episode every Wednesday at midnight, Pacific. So, 3 o’clock Eastern; midnight, Pacific. Tell all your friends about it. Guys, this is going to be awesome, and we’re selling stills, and we’re doing all that shit.

I’ll be in New York – I leave tomorrow. From Friday, to Thursday. I mean, from Friday to Thursday laugh — that’s a long trip. From Friday to Sunday, and then I’ll be in Boston from the 15th to the 17th, with Koala goodies. People can buy a panel, and a teaser poster through the VeryBadKoalas.com.

Remainder of transcript coming soon.

Helloooo? Nicky Brendon, trying to blooog.

Alright, well, I’m going to assume it’s on. I hope. And then, if it’s not on,, then I guess I’ll just read two poems, and then I’ll call tomorrow with short stories.

I’ve got some meet and greets coming up in New York, in Boston and then Austin, after that. But New York’s coming up in like, two weeks, and, we are, I hate to say it, and I hate to sound like a hustler and a pimp, but we are not selling tickets for that. (Editor’s Note: He means ticket sales are … slowish. We ARE still selling tickets for it. — jacqui) Um, I guess I can change my last name to Marsters, but boy, this is rough goings over here, people! Help me to help to you help me, and then I’ll help myself of you. Maybe I’ll help myself to you? How’s that sound? In a very sexy way.

OK, here’s a poem that I wrote for an ex of mine.

Untitled
Spread your thighs,
Your lies
Your eyes
Your insides
Your legs
In ways that displays
a lover’s gaze.

Eat up
Chew it up
Spit it out.

Another victim,
Another day
Another passer-by
In other ways.

A look
A drop
A scent
The absolute wickedness
of your thighs.

This is called Distance:

Distance.
We need it,
we’ve had it.

When we are together,
the distance is epic.
I am closer to you,
the farther that we are apart.

I’ll send postcards on my travels.
But not too many.
There won’t be that much to say.

Be well
Be free
Be happy
Be gone

Alright. Those are two little poems that I wrote, and then there’s another one here, when I was in Paris. I hope this is recording.

Alright, there’s gonna be two: One’s very disgusting, so I’m going to give the parental warning right now, that one is uncool. I wrote it for a friend of mine, named Mimi. Who after I read the first one, she was like, “Oh, I didn’t know it was over,” so I wrote this other one. Alright, so I was in Paris …

A wedding is taking place in Paris.
I walk to the bathroom in a hotel
The door opens
I see inside the women’s restroom.

Little girls are gathered inside,
in a circle.
Talking
Giggling
Being little girls.

An old woman walks out,
Disappointed
Old
New
They will be old, too
The little girls
And their daughters will be old

I piss in a urinal
The toilet was too dark and foreboding.
Kind of like getting old.

Alright. There’s that. And then this is the amends to that. This is called “Ode de Mimi.”

I walk.
I walk, I think
I need to piss
I pass by the bathroom
The door opens
The women’s restroom door.

I look inside.
I see a gaggle of little girls.
Talking,
Laughing
Flirting with one another
As little girls are opt to do.

I need to take a piss.
I think of the little girls, pissing
Pissing out of their little young pussies
Pussies that will one day be violated
Some with joy,
Some with fear
But all, with regret.

Alright, three poems for you guys. Short. Couple disgusting, but true. I’ve got a lot more in here; I’ve got, like, six books on my lap right now, but I don’t even know if this is fucking recording. And if it’s not, I’m gonna grow a third testicle, throw it in some sort of stew, and make somebody eat it. And I think you guys all know what I’m talking about.

So, would love to see you guys in New York. I would love to see you guys at the meet and greet. And I know that, in Austin, we’re doing karaoke. In Boston, I’m pretty sure we sold out on the meet and greet, but we’re doing like, this kind of a … I love the title: Toast & Jam Jams. Where I will be wearing my pajamas, down to this event, where it’s going to be like, an omelet bar and stuff. And we’re just all gonna be wearing our pajamas. Kind of like we’re having breakfast at Nicky’s house. Which happens to be in some sort of big room in a hotel.

So, I can’t talk that shit up enough. I mean, I might even wear my old pajamas. And my old pajamas are, well, they’re not too well put together anymore.

But, I am going to call you guys tomorrow, again. I’ve got a couple more stories and poems I wanna write to you – read to you. I wrote a short one, here, hold on.

I came up with one today that hasn’t been written because it’s about … I saw a lovely pair of thighs coming home, I guess, since I was taking this girl on a date. I just saw that short skirt, and those thighs, and the first thing I thought was: Heartbreak.

Um, let’s see here. Uh huh. OK, this is about a paring knife. OK, here we go. This will be the last one. I’m not even sure if this shit’s good, but, whatever. Not my fault.

Um, hold on. Question is on the table, hold on just a second. OK. Looking … what is that, I cannot read my writing. The boulevard, winding through … Alright, that’s a different one. Let’s read it, ‘cause it looks really, really disjointed. I wrote it at my friend Dorie and Joel’s house. … This is called “The Boulevard” – let’s see what it says. I don’t think it’s good, but:

The boulevard
Winding through crime and grime
Sweet and low
Straight as a razor in spots
Green as Al Gore
Round as Al Sharpton.

It’s glitz,
and it’s glum.
Also jazz and big band
Blood-stained, vacant lots
Hot dog vendors
In greasy splendor
Greasier hos
Flows, bros, willing to blow
Red light, go
Green light, slow
Stop and stare
At the boulevard.

A menacing glare
A seductress, in its curves
Wanting more
Leaving one’s mind open to possibilities of yesterday.

Of that day,
So far away
Looking in the rear-view mirror
Only to see me
And the road
And me again
And I was lying
The road was truthful.

The road
The boulevard
Awash in a hazy gloom of restless sleep
What was once a street,
a dream
became a fucking nightmare.

That’s called “The Boulevard.” I’ll find my other stuff. I wrote a really, really short one today. If I can find it for you guys. Uh huh. Not there. So many of these books look exactly the same. Um. OK, hold on. Right. OK, oh I’ve got a good show called “Match Man,” which I’ll unleash on the world at some point.

Sorry. We’re just going through my books together here. Hello! I just found Kelly’s journal. I shouldn’t read Kelly’s journal! Wow, that would be awkward. I wonder what happened there. Oh, here’s another one of Kelly’s journals! Oh no! That’s weird. OK. Let’s see what’s in this one. Uh, let’s read it.

Few men are human
when they die
They put them in a tomb
and rise.
Menses, the blood cleanses
and cleans.
Stop.
Can I get a witness?

That was one I wrote, so. [pause] Sorry, just reading. Alright, this is probably for an ex-girlfriend, too. Ready. Untitled, but I’ll title it.

You roll your eyes,
I shift my feet.
You sulk, and moan,
And I say tone.

You yell and yip.
I say quit.
You say you’ll change.
And I say that’s strange.

You roll your eyes,
I shift my feet slightly to the right.
The door is to the left.
I look.
I leave.

So. Kind of simple, but easy. OK, right? Anyway, so there’s like, four. I think there’s a few there. And then, there’s Kelly’s journals.

So, OK. I am going to hang up on me, now. Not on you, but on me. Hopefully, this is being recorded. And, again. New York: Dinner. Boston: Is there, a … I’m pretty sure Boston is dinner, and then Toast & Jam Jams. Everything’s on NickBrendon.com. But please come, guys, because then James Marsters is going to sell 250 tickets, and I, literally, have three sold right now. I have three, I am pleading with you, pleading with you, so that I can continue to do this, because I have so much fun doing it.

Anywho, OK. I’m going to hang up, and I will call you all tomorrow or the next day with some more poetry shit. And, that’s it. Love to you all. Also, I’m reading a couple of really good books right now, too, that I’ll pass on to ya’ll.

All right, be well, be free, stay strong, stay straight, stay white, unless, of course, you’re black, then stay black. And if you’re Mexican, stay Mexican. You know what? Screw it. Stay who you are, alright. And be happy with it. Bye.

Hello everybody. This, is Nicholas Brendon. And I am speaking, like the man, on the phone, who was just speaking to me: “Hit the pound sign.”

I hit the pound sign!

Hello everybody, so how’s everybody’s week going? Awesome. Mine’s great, thanks for asking. Just letting you guys all know that I’m still alive, I’m still writing. I’ve got a bunch of stuff, and maybe we’ll have, like a reading thing or something, where you guys will come, and we’ll just all read poetry and things together. Trying to think if I have one here right now, but I’m just gonna … I don’t think I do. Let’s see here … I just don’t even have any books around. I have to … yeah, no. I’m walking out. There’s Steve, my dog. Hopping over him. Hopping back over Steve, the dog. Back to my couch with my computer. Watching House Hunters International, which is my guilty pleasure. Oh, I love it so much. Makes me want to put a penis in my mouth.

Which is not a bad thing. Some of my best friends put penises in their mouths. I am not one to put a penis in my mouth. Um … Even if I could suck my own, I wouldn’t have it in my mouth.

Let’s see. I don’t even know what I wrote last time. Let’s see, uh … All right. Here’s one.

I wake,
I wonder,
I wander
I walk to the corner store, past the fence
A fence with a hole

I buy breakfast,
crack open breakfast
So good,
so fucking good

I walk home,
past the fence with the hole
I crack open seconds.
I love goddamn breakfast

Cracking
Sizzle
Pop
Gulp

The hole in the fence looks at me like it’s a cyclops
A one-eyed monster
It laughs at me

I have more breakfast
It taunts me
that hole

More breakfast
I stop and I stare
Try to look inside the hole,
through it

It just mocks me,
puts me in my place
A fucking hole
In a fucking fence
A black, fucking hole
To somewhere bleak

I drink more breakfast
Unzip my pants
And put my dick in the hole
My hole
That oughtta shut it up

I drink
My dick gets sucked
I drink more
Cum, rinse, wash, repeat.

Oh, it’s time for lunch.

That’s my poem. That’s in my book here. So, that’s my poem. I don’t have a title, but that’s my poem. And, if anybody’s transcribing it, it ends Time for lunch, will be the end, after he gets his dick sucked.

So, I’m coming to Chicago, like, tick tock, tick tock. And we have four tickets to sell. Because I wanna have it be at 40, because I wanna meet 40 people while I’m there. Maybe write 40 poems. Which I might be able to do. I would need a little time. I’m not promising 40 poems. I’m saying I could maybe do it. I don’t know, it depends on what my day’s like, what my brain’s like. And I’m just super stoked to see you guys. So, we need just four more tickets sold. So if a friend already has one, tell another friend to get one, then you won’t be there alone. Around me. ‘Cause I am frightening. I am scary. I. Have the devil inside of me.

But don’t worry, we moved in last month, and it’s great. Me and the devil have a great relationship now. Things were a little hot for the first couple of weeks. A little hot in the kitchen. But now things have settled in just fine. And I have never once sucked his dick.

Umm, OK. So: We’ll be in Chicago, we’re gonna have a Chicago pizza party. There might be some dancing. Ummm … who are my favorite writers, as poets here.

One: I’m sorry, but Jacqui has given me the three little pointers:

1. There are four tickets left for the Chicago pizza party with you. OK …

2. There was a discussion about poets whose work came to mind after listening to your poems. Who are some of your favorite writers?

Uh, Charles Bukowski is, to me, is just the end all, be all. But there are so many of them that I just don’t know. You know, I wish, I wish I knew more. And I probably need to do some homework on that.

Um, and then [enter your poem here]. You know that I adore you, but if you could try to aim for something less than … Apparently my last blog was around 4,000 words. [Editor's note: 3,915]

OK, so that’s poem stuff. Umm, I’m trying to think of what I’m reading right now. I saw Inception, I don’t know if we can talk about that. I”m going to see a movie called Salt. I’m about to put in a samurai movie right now, in my house. I’m here with Steve. And, I’m kind of excited about that.

And, my sobriety’s going very well. I’m coming up on five months. I’m very, very, very, very happy about that. And … the trouble I’ve caused, kids. The trouble I’ve caused, over a can of beer, and a big, bag of cocaine … no, I didn’t do the cocaine. I mean, I have in the past, but, whatever. You know what I’m talking about. I’m really, really happy. So that’s phenomenal.

I hope that you guys have dug this particular audioblog. And, after you’ve dug it, I thoroughly hope that you guys plan on filling that hole that you dug. And again: I wanna see ya’ll, I wanna meet ya’ll, I wanna rub ya’ll, I wanna suck ya’ll. You know what I’m saying?

Damn, that’s straight from the San Fernando Valley, where I grew up. Man, that shit is real.

All right, this is Nicky Brendon, saying out. And I will blog, I would say probably within the next five days, with more poems and, just, life’s mishaps and adventures. OK, I love you all, and be well. OK, darlins. Bye.