Politically Incorrect Transcript
Politically Incorrect
May 19, 2000
Guests on this program were: Nicholas Brendon; Susannah Breslin; Jeff Bridges; Hugh Hefner; Bijou Phillips; Michelle Phillips; Rob Schneider.
Panel Discussion:
Bill: I’m sorry, I should have checked for an Adam’s apple. Oh, hi. Well, welcome. It’s our last night here at the Playboy mansion. And wouldn’t you know it, all week, I’ve had a different fabulous date. Well, tonight, my date was supposed to be the very beautiful miss Michelle Phillips, but it looks like I got
stood up. But luckily, we’re here at the Playboy mansion and it wasn’t hard to find another really great-looking replacement. This is Trent. We met a couple of minutes ago. How are you doing, man? Good to see you. But, I mean, come on, he’s prettier than half the chicks here. And that’s the trouble with this place. Every time I come here, I run into a lot of guys that I used to model with. Oh, it’s not that funny. Anyway, Trent — oh!
Michelle: I’m sorry I’m late. I was just having an acid flashback from the Spanish vacation.
Bill: Well, it’s — it’s good to see you. We’ll talk later.
Michelle: Hi.
Bill: You know, I love it that you’re here, because by the time you were in your teens, you were already a star. So you might remember the “Playboy After Dark” that we’re paying tribute here tonight. And if you let your mind go at this place, which is so magical, you can almost imagine what it must have been like back then, Sammy Davis singing in the music room, James Caan swimming in the grato. Elvis Presley, reading on the toilet.
Michelle: Gary Hart –
Bill: I love that joke. Whoa, Rob Schneider!
[ Applause ]
Rob: Hey.
Bill: Cool. Look at — Susannah Breslin.
Michelle: Hi.
Bill: Everybody. Nicholas Brendon. Hey, how are you? Good to see you. Did you — oh, my God, look who’s here! Thank you so much.
Hugh: Here we are again.
Bill: Always taking advantage of the free booze.
Hugh: I am.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: So, what — am I in the wrong place? There’s no girls here.
Michelle: We’re in your light.
Bill: But there should be girls, always.
Nicholas: We need a girl for Bill!
Bill: Yeah, please. Look what a loser I am, I can’t get a girl to sit next to me at the Playboy mansion on television.
Rob: There you go.
Bill: Hey.
Rob: There you go.
Michelle: Happy now?
Bill: See, the black ones always have spunk. [ Laughter ] That’s exactly –
Nicholas: You can say that right now, Bill. Your show, my friend.
Rob: I always bring you a gift, Bill.
Bill: Oh, look at that.”Inside the –” have you seen this?”Inside the Playboy Mansion.” You always do. Whenever Rob comes on my show — he gave me a zen garden once. He gave me a –
Rob: Yes.
Bill: And I have the best time at your parties. Michelle Phillips –
Nicholas: Bill, I got bourbon when we’re done.
Bill: Hey, where’s my bourbon? No, no, I mean, we’re drinking just colored water.
Rob: Apple juice.
Nicholas: Some of us are.
Bill: But –
Rob: That’s unauthorized, by the way.
Bill: It’s funny you should bring this ’cause I was gonna bring up the fact that women get credit for the sexual revolution, but that’s the guy –
Rob: Right over there.
Michelle: I think he may have actually started it.
[ Applause ]
Bill: You think he started the sexual revolution.
Michelle: I think he may have started it. Because, let’s face it, what was there before there was “Playboy”?
Rob: Well, Michelle, I don’t know who started it, but I know who’s finishing it, me! I’m gonna have sex with everybody here. And that should put an end to it.
Michelle: There was “Masters and Johnson.” That was about — that was sex. And then you gave it a little, you know, a little color, a little –
Nicholas: Some taste.
Hugh: A little sizzle.
Bill: It is funny that woman get credited with the sexual revolution.
Michelle: We do?
Bill: Yeah.
Rob: For saying yes eventually.
[ Laughter ]
[ Talking over each other ]
Rob: If there wasn’t — yeah –
Bill: Because we were always for putting out soon.
Rob: Yes.
Bill: I mean, that was always –
Rob: As soon as possible.
Bill: — Part of our agenda.
Susannah: What became different for women in the ’60s is that they decided being a slut was actually making a political statement.
Rob: And I was all for it. And that was a good movement. And we’re trying to get that going again, by the way.
Michelle: You know what, the pill had a lot to do with it.
Bill: The pill, yeah.
Michelle: I mean, let’s face it.
Bill: It was just the 40th anniversary of the pill. If I had a drink, I’d toast that.
Michelle: Now what we want is a little –
Rob: I got one right here. I’m gonna take it right now. [ Laughter ] Here’s to it.
Bill: Rob, the pill is for women.
Rob: Oh. [ Laughter ] Hey, if it’s — whatever I can do to help, you know what I’m saying?
Nicholas: You’re growing breasts, Rob. That’s sweet.
Rob: I don’t mind growing two. It’s the one that –
Bill: But, no, this guy really is responsible.
Rob: Thank you.
Bill: For a lot — no, him.
Rob: Thank you, Hugh.
Nicholas: Thank you.
Hugh: My pleasure.
Nicholas: Hugh, Hugh.
Rob: Hugh got nothing out of it. He did it for — for everybody else. You know — you’re a selfless man.
Bill: Well, he’s taken a lot of arrows. Pioneers get all of the arrows. As the saying goes. Of course, he’s given a lot of arrows, too, ladies and gentlemen.
Michelle: Thank Hugh. I mean, imagine that years from now, maybe you will be sainted for the job you have done.
Nicholas: Let’s do it right now.
Bill: No, that’s the Catholic church. They hate him. [ Laughter ] He’s like the Anti-Christ.
Michelle: But they come around. You know, they finally admitted that Galileo was right.
Bill: So you’re saying there’s a short drop from Galileo to Hugh Hefner. [ Laughter ] “Pope confesses, sin lots of fun. We were wrong all those years.”
Michelle: You know, it’s already happening. Look at him. All right.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: You always come loaded to the party. That’s what I love about you. You don’t know what you’re saying.
Michelle: I’m trying to help.
Bill: That’s what I love about you. Okay, we gotta take a commercial. I mean, I gotta go to the bathroom. I keep saying commercial — bathroom. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hugh: Samella.
Sammy: Hello.
Hugh: Are you enjoying yourself?
Sammy: The usual.
Hugh: Dressed to the teeth as usual.
Sammy: When they said party to me, I thought, I began to feel kind of silly because Tony’s here with –
Anthony: I feel silly because somebody said –
Hugh: That’s the way it is with our parties, as you well know. It’s everything from bikinis to formals and all of that stuff in between.
Bill: Yeah. Did you see that, Hef? Were you watching that clip of you and Sammy and Anthony Newley? Do you remember that day?
Hugh: I do remember that day.
Bill: Then it couldn’t have been that good. Anyway — [ Laughter ] We were about to give you — and I guess we did give you credit for the sexual revolution.
Rob: I want to be reincarnated as your penis. And I mean that in the most positive way. I mean that in a great way.
Bill: If I could come back, I would love to come back as a promiscuous woman.
Michelle: Yeah, why?
Nicholas: Really? Not a penis? That’s odd.
Bill: No, people say I’m a penis now.
[ Laughter ]
Rob: Come on, Bill. I’m sure there’s another word they use.
Bill: Who needs reincarnation. No, just because they have, you know –
Michelle: What are you looking for here?
Bill: — Sort of like the sexual revolution here. Because they have a lot of sex. A promiscuous woman.
Nicholas: A promiscuous woman has a lot of sex.
Bill: You have a lot of sex, don’t you, honey?
Susannah: All the time.
Bill: Yeah, and you’re not afraid to admit it.
Bijou: You have sex all the time?
Susannah: No.
Nicholas: No, that’s actually her boyfriend’s name.
Susannah: I’m not promiscuous, but, you know, I have sex with the same person over and over and over again.
Nicholas: And you enjoy it?
Bill: Hef, I’m sorry you had to hear that? Here’s why I think that this was so responsible for the revolution is because their magazine made it okay to not feel guilty about looking at naked women.
Nicholas: Yeah, but did it though? I mean, I was raised as a little Christian boy. And I tell you, two years of anti-brainwashing over that S-h-i –
Rob: Nicholas, you have to tell them there are articles in there.
Nicholas: There’s not. Not when you’re 15, my friend.
Rob: There’s articles on jazz, humor, there’s so much. The Christian right –
Bill: It wasn’t even printed in English until a few years ago.
Michelle: I have teenage boys, that when they were little, when they were 13 years old –
Bill: That’s why I love this guy, by the way. I never fail to invite him to all of my interventions. I’m sorry, honey, what?
Michelle: My teenage boys used to hide their “Playboy” magazines. As it was something that I would take away from them. I think it’s something that boys just love to have.
Bill: But look who you raised, the beautiful Bijou.
Bijou: She didn’t raise me.
Bill: Yeah, let’s pretend.
Bijou: She should have raised me. She should have.
Michelle: I should have raised her.
Bijou: You should have.
Michelle: Should have raised her.
Nicholas: Group therapy!
Bijou: Someone should have.
Nicholas: Michelle, I wish you had raised me. I’m not joking. I wish I was a penis.
Rob: You could still raise me. That’s the beauty.
Michelle: You know what, I’m gonna start a school. I’m gonna start a school.
Bijou: For wayward girls.
Bill: Have you seen the Mamas and Papas “Vh1 Behind the Music”? Okay. It’s the hardest to follow. I mean, of all of the sordid things I’ve seen on “Behind the Music.”
Bijou: When I saw that, I was like, “Wait, there was like relationship problems?” I didn’t get it.
Bill: But your first memory was –
Bijou: I never knew about the Cass/Denny, you/Denny — you/Denny, I didn’t know until I watched the show.
Michelle: Well, you weren’t born for 20 years.
Bijou: No one told me. Someone could have said something.”Oh, Bijou, I’m [bleep ] Denny.”
Michelle: It wouldn’t have been a topic that would have interested you.
Rob: Bijou, we’re costing a lost a lot of money on editing, by the way.
Bijou: I’m sorry.
Rob: Very expensive.
Michelle: Well, all I wanted to say was my boys were hording their “Playboy” magazines. And I think that that’s something boys love to do — looking at naked girls and hiding the magazines.
Rob: Part of the fun was hiding it, though.
Michelle: Yeah, that’s what I mean.
Rob: If my mom ever said to me, “Here, look at this ‘Playboy,’” I’d be a freak now! I’d need to hide in my room.
Bill: What you do you mean there’s something and we hide it? We’re whacking off. Okay? I mean, let’s get serious. Let’s get real. We’re using these magazines to live the life we don’t have — and he does!
Nicholas: Let’s kill him!
Michelle: And it’s very healthy to do what you do. Even the surgeon general said it. She was fired for it, but –
Rob: She was fired for it.
Michelle: She said, “Whack off,” and that’s much better for you than getting a girl pregnant.
Susannah: What about me and Bijou had to live these traumatized childhoods because we didn’t have a “Playboy” for girls. I think we’ve gotten the short end of the stick.
Michelle: “Playgirl” never did –
Bijou: I had spice channel.
Nicholas: Because you don’t need one, that’s why.
Bijou: Shower massager.
[ All talking at once ]
Michelle: Sex and guilt –
Rob: Oh, guilt.
Bill: Weren’t you on the other show where I had to fly in college boys and now she’s down to a shower massager. I don’t know where a pretty girl like this — Jeff Bridges, what are you doing here?
Jeff: Mike in my hand.
Bill: I’m so glad you brought your mike. [ Laughter ] Give us some wisdom. Weigh in on this.
Jeff: I’m just curious. I’m lacking in this conversation. I am. Now, women don’t have this visual thing that guys have.
Bijou: Yes, they do.
Jeff: What is that? Like “Playgirl” doesn’t get it.
Bill: You’re absolutely right.
Jeff: Or does it? I don’t know.
Michelle: I don’t think that –
Rob: You get any money from that, by the way, “Playgirl”? You don’t get any money from that, right?
Hugh: That has nothing to do with me. And it’s not really for women.
Bijou: It’s for men.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: I was interviewed once in “Playgirl,” and there was a little interview. And then so in the table of contents, you know, they list everything in the magazine that month, so there was a picture of me, my head shot, interview, and right above my head was a huge [ bleep ] coming down. [ Laughter ] Yeah, there was –
Rob: Did the photo look like this?
Bill: Yeah. [ Laughter ] I gotta — I gotta go to the bathroom again. Oh, man, I have got to get my kidney –
Rob: It was going so good.
Bill: I know. I got to go to the bathroom.
Bill: I have them all the way back to 1967. Yeah, I brought those all in. Okay. We have two more segments here. We’ve been here all week.
Michelle: It’s Teri Garr!
Bill: That’s not Teri Garr. She wishes.
Nicholas: How’s that acid treating you, Michelle?
Bill: Anyway, we got a couple more segments here. We’ve been here all week at your — your gracious –okay, because we certainly couldn’t do this without it. It’s your backyard. And quite a yard it is. And those monkeys –
Nicholas: Speaking of yards.
Bill: So this was gonna be our one-on-one, but I thought, you know, I like this set here. I don’t want to move to the bar. So I have questions for you. I bet you the panel does. This is your shot, gang, to ask — you don’t often get him right here. It’s like seeing an albino tiger in the wild. [ Laughter ] It’s like a great endangered species in his own habitat.
Bijou: All right, who’s the best [ bleep ] ever?
Bill: Oh!
Nicholas: Again with the words!
[ Laughter ]
Rob: What’s going on over here? I know you didn’t raise her. I saw the special.
Bill: This girl’s got some black blood in her.
Bijou: Who’s the best in bed? Who’s the best in bed?
Hugh: Who can tell, tonight is young. [ Applause ]
Bijou: Ever, ever? Like ever?
Michelle: I have a question — were you raised in a very Puritanical setting?
Hugh: Yes.
Bill: Duh.
Hugh: Came from Puritans –
Bill: Read the bio, hello.
Michelle: I haven’t read the bio.
Bill: I know. He’s been famous for 50 years.
Michelle: So like Quakers or something?
Hugh: Methodists.
Michelle: Methodists.
Hugh: From Nebraska.
Bill: See, every guy here knows Hef’s background. Chicks — “Hi, who are you?”
Rob: Hef, if I can call you Hef. I don’t have a question. I have more of some advice.
Bill: A tribute?
Rob: I just got out of the hot tub with about five bunnies, and I’m thinking, you should put some more chlorine in there.
Hugh: We’ll look into that.
Rob: Cheers. Thanks for having us for all of these years. Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Nicholas: And of course, not biblically having us.
Rob: My childhood could have sucked without you, and I mean that sincerely.
Bill: Jeff Bridges, even though you wear the same suit days in a row.
[ Laughter ]
Nicholas: Go home, Jeff, go home.
Bill: You know what I love about this guy, he’s been a huge movie star for like 20 years. I don’t have a clue who he is. [ Laughter ] It takes a real effort to guard your privacy. I have no idea who you are.
Jeff: That’s good.
Nicholas: You guys are real good friends.
Rob: America’s greatest actor. That’s who it is.
Jeff: Bless your heart.
Bill: Hey, kiss ass when the party’s over. [ Laughter ] Do you have anything you want to ask? This is your shot, Jeff Bridges.
Jeff: No, I was just thinking what you were saying about this repression, how repression is sort of a good thing. In a sense, look what it’s –
Bill: Yeah.
Hugh: Good for me.
Bill: It’s good to have something — oh, yeah, you got to use your mike. You got to have something to rebel against.
Jeff: It has a role, doesn’t it?
Hugh: I think that is what America is all about, conflict.
Bijou: I don’t think it’s really rebelling though. It’s not rebelling. It’s doing what you need to do.
Rob: But you gave it in the right form.
Bijou: It needed to happen.
Rob: You know what I’m saying?
Bijou: Had to happen.
Rob: You didn’t do it in a sleazy way. You did it in a way that was acceptable to mainstream America.
Hugh: Well, that was the whole idea. Sex existed before. Trying to give sex a good name.
Michelle: Did your family disinherit you?
Hugh: No, no, quite the contrary.
Michelle: Got right on the bandwagon with you, right?
Hugh: Well, my father was an accountant and he eventually came to work for me as my treasurer. And the magazine was founded on very, very little money, and $1,000 of it came from my mother.
Bill: And he had to fire his ass at one point, which is very –
Rob: Very sad.
Bill: Very sad. But business is a business. You got to kick ass to make it run.
Rob: Sometimes dad will embezzle.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: You know what, it happens to the best of the families.
Michelle: Do you have any age limit to –
Bill: Good question.
Michelle: Do you just have any sex with anybody who’s of legal age 18 and over, or what’s the policy?
Hugh: Well, I’m a romantic, so I get involved in relationships. Sometimes more than one at the same time.
Rob: Do you know what I find weird? When we see the magazine, and all of a sudden, you see the playmate of the month and it’s like graduated — born 1982 — ’82! Oh, my God!
Bill: Yeah, that is freaky.
Rob: I graduated high school in ’82.
Bill: Yeah.
Rob: My God, it’s just — does that ever shock you?
Hugh: No.
[ Laughter ]
Michelle: Because — because you really probably have just an image of what is attractive to you, and that doesn’t change.
Hugh: That doesn’t change.
Michelle: It’s like, I still think I’m 17 years old in my mind’s eye.
Hugh: Exactly, exactly.
Rob: She’s got to have a good joke, right, hef?
Hugh: Yes, good sense of humor.
Rob: Good sense of humor.
Hugh: But you’re exactly right.
Bill: A good sense of humor? Every girl you’ve ever gone to bed with had a good sense of humor? I don’t think they even know a knock-knock joke some of them.
Susannah: I think I speak for everyone here when I ask, how many?
[ Panel oohs ]
Nicholas: Good!
Bill: That’s a little personal.
Hugh: I don’t think it’s a matter of quality — or quantity.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Rob: That’s a “1:00 in the morning” statement.”It’s not a matter of quality.”
Hugh: I would not have said that earlier tonight.
Bill: Sigmond Freud will be joining us in two seconds. I have to go to the bathroom again.
[ Applause ]
Bill: All right. Well, this is our final time to say good-bye here. Thank you very much, Hugh Hefner. How about a big giving it up for Mr. Hugh Hefner. [ Applause ] I want to — besides saying thanks, congratulate you on your recent marriage to Angelina Jolie, everybody. [ Applause ] A fantastic move on your part. And I think three’s the charm, because people don’t realize, he’s been married twice, right? Early in your life.
Michelle: Early in the ’50s and then again in the ’80s.
Bill: Right. What could have gone wrong there? Him with marriage. Okay. Well, this is it. Good night.
